The Tourist: Review of a Terrible Film

If I were on my death bed today, racked with the effort to breathe as I wiped the bloodied phlegm from my dry, parched lips, I would clasp your hand in mine, look deep into your eyes and say "Whatever you do in life... promise me one thing... don't watch The Tourist."

It is a film that tried so hard to be a classic that it has become a classic rotten tomato; a film to be sneered and tittered at in general discussions about the worst films you have seen recently. "Just what were they thinking?" becomes a typical phrase during the discussion... and gives you pause for thought. Just what were Johnny Depp: Burton's quirky golden boy and all round brilliant actor, and  Angelina Jolie: sex goddess with the ability to be excellent (albeit a little shouty) thinking? Maybe it was a movie that looked good on paper. Maybe the foreign locations and mistaken identity / not mistaken identity / is he isn't he? storyline looked like the sort of movie that would go down in the ages as a modern champion to mingle with the golden greats. Except it didn't. It bombed.

"Three double cheeseburgers, one large fries and a chocolate milkshake, thanks."

The Tourist is the story of Elise (Jolie) and Frank (Depp) and their meeting on a train to Venice. Elise is being followed by Scotland Yard who are after her lover Alexander who has evaded tax payments and owes a gangster millions. She is given specific instructions to get on a train to Venice by Alexander and to pick someone out who has the same build and height as him as a way to fool the police. Except, oops! One of the police officers is a bit dodgy and passes on Frank's photo to the mob. Cue lots of running around, jumping off buildings, shoot outs on boats and so on. Frank is told he is part of a plan to save Alexander, but his attraction to Elise won't let him leave her and he frequently gets in the way of undercover operations, much to the chagrin of the police. Eventually the mob catches up with Elise, who it turns out is part of the police force, and her life is put in danger as she is forced to open Alexander's safe. Frank goes in to distract the mob while the police take aim and shoot the gangsters. The police are told Alexander is by the pier so go arrest him. With Elise and Frank alone, Frank opens the safe and takes out the millions that were in there... leaving a cheque for the money he owes in tax. Yes, Frank was Alexander all along, and the other guy who everyone thought was Alexander was "just a tourist". Quelle surprise. The two set sail on a boat together, with Elise asking "Twenty million dollars worth of plastic surgery and that's the face you choose?" before telling him "It will do." I would have found this moment much more entertaining and the vast amount of money spent on a face more believable if Frank had been played by Mickey Rourke or Sly Stallone.

"Leave it Ange, she 'int werf it."

One of the main problems while watching The Tourist was the strain it put on your ears. There is constant disneyfied, swooping music in the background that makes it seem like Frank and Elise have a full orchestra trailing behind them everywhere they go. Worse still was when Elise burnt the letter she received off Frank and walked away from the scene as the police raced to save evidence. The music went from swoopy to cheesy electro. It was horrid. Another issue is the distinct lack of chemistry between the two main actors. It's Depp and Jolie, two of the most beautiful people in the world! Looking into their eyes is like seeing a sunrise or going on a hot air balloon over Africa for the first time for Christ's sake. If they can't have a fizzle of chemistry then what hope is their for the rest of us? I also found it a massive shame that Maths teacher Frank was downplayed so much by Depp that he was almost invisible. He seemed to bumble through the film like a ghost. And don't get me started on the "high-tech" gadgets used by the police to lazily force the storyline along. It's a shame that The Tourist didn't work out because the Venice setting was beautiful and the actors were beautiful... but the script was one ugly frothy mess that left you feeling very let down at the end. Depp and Jolie, we expected more.