Crank 2: High Voltage

If a friend of yours has recently seen Crank 2: High Voltage it is highly likely they have given you their opinion. It is a film that demands the viewer to take a vote for or against it. My sister’s boyfriend walked into my lounge a while ago and said, quite dour faced, “Have you seen Crank 2? It’s awful. I kept watching and watching but it just didn’t get better.” My brother took this moment to butt in and said “It’s hilarious. Don’t take it seriously and it’s really good.” Sadly he is seventeen and only interested in boobs and explosions rather than improving his vocabulary. My sister’s boyfriend, meanwhile, is a 24 year old interested in gadgets, film plots and special effects.  Even to this day he gets angry about the “appalling” iceberg in Titanic that “ruined the whole film”.

So with two differing opinions in mind I decided it was time to watch this film, if only to make them shut up about it.

Crank 2: High Voltage starts as the last film ended, with the famously foul mouthed Chev Chelios (played by Jason “I’m a fucking Londoner mate. My family aren’t from Great Fucking Yarmouth” Statham) falling through the air and landing hard on the concrete ground. One would assume he is dead, as any human being would be in the same situation. Hell no though, not Chev. In this action packed, adrenaline fuelled testosterone fest anything is possible. Chelios is literally scraped off the ground and thrown into the back of a black van where he is taken to a cliché bunch of token oriental bad guys who take out his heart and replace it with a battery operated one. You would think that such an intensive operation would kill you or at the very least demand bed rest for weeks, but once Chev sees the organ he’s about to lose next he’s up and kicking ass.

When out of his hospital bed Chelios weakens in stamina dramatically and realises that his battery operated heart needs electricity to keep it pumping. Cue many imaginative ways to get electricity to his heart, including rubbing up against an old lady to gain friction and getting tazored by cops. This constant need to gain energy and the hunt for heart stealing villain Johnny Vang gives the film a shoot-em-up computer game quality.

At this point I will take a moment to explain that throughout the film there is a blatant and indulgent obsession with la derriere. Chelios has his, ahem, temperature taken in the hospital, there is the shot gun scene where petrol oil is used as lube and (lest we forget) there is of course the constant close ups of women’s buttocks in tight panties whether in public, a brothel or a lap dancing bar. The latter being the place Amy Smart, Chelios’ girlfriend from Crank 1, makes her return.

Once Chelios knows it is Johnny Vang who has his heart there is a race against time to get it back before the battery pack runs out. But what Chelios doesn’t realise is that Johnny Vang isn’t alone in wanting a piece of “the famous Chelios heart” action, and that the Triads are also against him. No one really understands why. It merely gives the directors an excuse to include more gun fights and sadistic scenes that involve nipples and elbows being chopped off with machetes. The first fight with the Triad’s is in the lap dancing bar, for the young male watchers delectation, and involves lots of gorgeous topless girls with guns getting shot; one girl amusingly gets hit in her silicone breasts which bleed gunk and shrivel. It is at this point, if the penny had not dropped sooner, that you realise just what sort of film you are letting yourself in for.

Chelios is reunited with Smart and the two get accosted by police officers. During the confrontation they make the fatal mistake of tazoring him and turning him into Pop-Eye. With the cops beaten into submission, Chelios steals a car and hunts down Johnny Vang in a horse racing stadium.  His heart is dying so a doctor advises gaining energy from the friction of others. This gives the directors a chance to throw back to the first film as Chelios has an over the top comedic sex marathon in public with his girlfriend once again. 

Any normal man would want to sleep after coitus, but not the extremely masculine and testosterone fuelled Chelios. His shag session gives him the energy to chase after Vang and the two have a Godzilla style battle to the death that involves them being portrayed as puppets while wearing masks (don’t ask, it has to be seen to be believed). The film ends with Chelios on fire giving the finger. It is a perfect way to finish a brainless, adrenaline fuelled, non-stop action film that is bound to have a cult following.  Also if the credits are watched Chelios is seen recuperating while covered in bandages. Crank 3 on its way perhaps? Seventeen year old boys can only hope.