10,000 Goofs in 10,000 BC

I could be witty and say there are 10,000 reasons to watch or not to watch this film, but the truth is I can think of only one reason not to... it sucks. It is a bland, made for TV movie that promised more than it gave. "From the Director of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow" brags the poster. Really? I was thinking more along the lines of "From the Director of Xena Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" judging from the costumes, lazy historical research and weak plot that I had to endure for a whole one hour and forty-nine minutes.

And the winner for best costume brought in the Woolworth's closing down sale goes to...

I would be diplomatic and say "It's not that I hate these fantasy adventure series..." but I do. I really, really do hate them. In fact, I would go so far as to say I hate them as much as I love Jessica Alba, so that's a lot of hate. I was so hugely disappointed with 10,000 BC, a film that -judging from it's poster- I thought would be along the lines of the epic '300' that I couldn't help myself but to look up the factual errors and goofs to see if my suspicions were correct. And, of course, they were. Now, I haven't had a history lesson since 2000 but I was still pretty certain that in 10,000 BC they did not have pyramids in Egypt; they were erected around 2630 BC. Also in the opening scene an extra who sees the blue eyed Evolet (blue eyes were actually a genetic mutation from around 6,000 to 8,000 years ago) says "Jesus" in shock. I should have just turned the DVD player off there and then.

I gave the film a chance though, I mean, it's made by the director of The Day After Tomorrow, Roland Emmerich wouldn't let us down would he? Oh. He does. Repeatedly. And then he scrawls his filthy name over this historical atrocity to get extra sales that the film doesn't deserve.

The film starts with the tribes people living in harmony, but of course this can't last and most of the tribe end up being taken by demon's on horses (even though horses weren't domestically trained for human travel until 4000 BC... OK, OK I'll stop. The other goofs can be seen on IMDB here) and it takes D'leh and a small group of fellow hunters to save the tribe and the love of his life: the beautiful, blue eyed Evolet.

Another gripe I have is the authenticity in casting. Instead of getting Monica Gellar during her reggae phase and covering her in foundation the creators of this film could have gotten a more credible looking actress and given her blue contact lenses. The audience can also tell immediately who the main characters are judging by attractiveness, which shouldn't be relevant for a pre-historic film where everyone should smell, be covered in grime and have brown, rotting teeth. For example, the more Hollywood looking D'leh (played by the handsome Steven Strait) looked more like a model doing Vogue's September magazine on 'Savage Chic' than a pre-historic tribesman.

Authentic...

Not authentic

D'leh and the other mammoth hunters follow the demon's through various countries faster than a NASA space shuttle, battling giant birds, saber-tooth tigers and galloping mammoths along the way. They survive these feats and join other tribes people whose people have also been kidnapped into slavery. They create a small army, take on the demon's who are sacrificing their slaves, and save everyone in a typical Hollywood ending.

D'leh: "Please don't kill me Mr. Saber-tooth."

Saber-tooth: "Alright then."

There is more I could say about this film such as "Blossom from Eastenders is in it and she somehow saves Evolet with her tears at the end after Evolet is hit with an arrow." but what is the point in telling you that? It's stupid and a lazy way for the writers to get her to survive:

Writer 1: OK we need Evolet to get hurt to cause drama but she can't die because people don't like it when hot girls die. Only for them to be in trouble and then be alright and get their man and live happily ever after.

Writer 2: Right on. So how do we keep everyone happy and make a really great, convincing film at the same time?

Writer 1: Well from what I know of pre historic times (which is fuck all. Clearly) is that the head of the tribe always has magical powers.

Writer 2: No way! That's almost too convenient for words! We are so lucky to have you as a researcher and writer for this film.

Writer 1: What can I say? I'm a genius.

I would suggest watching 10,000 BC if you are more interested in style over substance, or alternatively if you are a big fan of daytime fantasy adventure TV series that are usually on Living or ABC. Otherwise just watch Apocalypto.