Alternative Brit Awards

Yes, it is that time once again where hands smack the backs of nodding, lip synching puppets who are praised and thanked for all their bust-a-move bopping and miming skills. Looking at the list of nominees I am quite surprised at the amount of reasonably OK talent in there this year. Criminally there is no sign of Fanfarlo and their joyously thunder-clapping album Reservoir... but hopefully their time will come. Anywho, I thought it would be fun / a bit of a giggle / a way to pass the time until the Brit Awards comes on that doesn't involve me hacking away at my Destroy It Yourself fringe to do *drum roll* Alternative Brit Awards! And by that I don't mean give a grundy, sweepy haired, be-tattered and pierced "dude" (that word makes me gag, particularly when used by posh people from Oxford or Cambridge) an award for ripping off Incubus or My Vitriol, no. I mean alternative nominations. Cue pennies dropping the world over. What a noise!

Worst Comeback 

Adam Rickitt

For anyone who blinked and missed it, Adam Rickitt waved goodbye to Shortland Street and came back to the UK to restart his singing career. I heard the director, upon hearing the bad news, asked him "Is it you or is it me?" to which Adam replied, with a sage and grave look upon his plastic face, "Lately I've been lost it seems. I think a change is what I need. I'm looking for a chance or to dream..." The director then nodded, wiped away a tear and tore up dear Adam's Shortland Street contract. Wise choice Adz. One concert at GAY and on to the dole queue.

Singer who most looks like they suffered a severe lack

of oxygen on Mars during the climax of Total Recall

Oritse Williams

I know. I am horrible and immature. But there are enough screamy girls out there who fancy him rotten for me to be entitled to a mild bit of piss taking. You can see it too though, right?

Singer with haircut most likely to cause long term damage to neck muscles 

and also be likely cause of singer walking in front of a bus

Justin Bieber

Every time I see that precocious little dyke on my TV I want to shout "Get a fucking hair cut if it is annoying you and getting in your face so much!" Egads.

Singer who looks the most handsome while wearing / 

can actually pull off the big geeky glasses look with aplomb

(instead of looking like a trend following prick)

Tinie Tempah

Beautiful bone structure, that Tinie. Nice to see a rapper wanting to show a bit of panache and class too, instead of having their trousers round their ankles and dirty boxers on display while giving everyone the finger.

Band most guilty of criminal misuse of another song

that in turn created a tragedy of modern music

Joint winners: 

JLS for The Club is Alive

and

Black Eyed Peas for The Time (Dirty Bit)

Yeah that's right, pixelate and blur yourselves in shame Black Eyed Peas. From JLS we expect this sort of music because it gives them the opportunity to show off their their dance skillz and Aston's astonishing ability to do bloody backflips (we all KNOW about it now. Stop doing it on every single TV show you go on) but Black Eyed Peas taking a classic like Dirty Dancing's Time of My Life only to RUIN it? I, for one, was shocked. 

Best Thighs

Rihanna

Just wow. Well deserved winner of that award I say. And on that note, the alternative Brit Awards of 2011 are over (because the proper one is about to start on ITV). Ta ta.

Coronation Street Tram Crash.

Day two of the tram crash in the most dangerous street in Weatherfield and we have the residents recoiling from the aftermath. A mixture of favourites and dead wood are trapped and waiting for help as those safe on the cobbles are about as helpful as a chocolate teapot: "I'm not a doctor." says Gail tetchily to the only doctor on the street. "Yes, but you ARE a first aider." he replies; nice to know we've got your support in a crisis Gail. Same with Janice, another first aider, who stands frozen in shock as those around her wallow in pain in the Rovers. Shaun shouts at her for help (as he shouts through the whole episode in a melodramatic attempt to portray his panic and need to hold it together) and to tell him what she needs for people's wounds. "Hot water and ice" is her reply. What about salt water or someone searching for the first aid kit for some antiseptic wipes and sanitised dressing? Good lord.

Elsewhere Jason, Kevin and Tyrone are throwing bricks about in an attempt to find Molly and the baby who are trapped in Dev's shop and Nick, "Ashleh" and Peter are trapped in the office of The Joinery; Lloyd  has dug out his wife beating ex (way to cut the wheat from the chaff) and pulled Cheryl out of the rubble, only for them to be pelted by polystyrene rubble. In all of the panic no one has thought to question where their children are (save for "Beckeh" who is racing round like a maniac for Max who was missing before the explosion) and at the the moment Leanne realises Simon is still with "Clur" there is an explosion at the Peacock residence. Lloyd races in like a looter on the nick and takes two kids in each arm away from the raging fire. "Clur" follows, spluttering and bewildered... as you would be if your house had been on fire long enough for the windows to be too hot to touch and had then exploded from a swift kick at the door. Why the Hell didn't they get out sooner if they were all conscious enough to notice the house had flames everywhere? Maybe it was part of the kids party and they were all chilling with marshmallows and telling ghost stories before realising the bonfire had got a bit out of hand. But where is little, cute, curly haired Simon? He's only ran upstairs to hide in a wardrobe! Wasn't this kid already in a fire with hid Dad? Shouldn't he remember the dangers of fires and smoke exhalation after nearly dying? Maybe I'm expecting too much from a frightened child but it is a frustrating and slightly lazy turn of events on the script writers behalf.

I read that William Roache claimed the tram crash would be  "one of the most exciting things that's ever happened on television." but it was hard to believe this statement as he barely flinched as the Peacock's house exploded. As Deirdre pulled muscles in her neck, gurning in horror and Eilleen clutched at her chest, Ken's face remained as impassive as a man watching a sunset on typical winter's day. Jason meanwhile, much to his Mother's chagrin, raced upstairs battling flames and bland decor as he tried to find little Simon hidden in the wardrobe. With Simon in his arms Jason must now get down the flame filled stairs. How will he do it? Tune in tomorrow for the answer.

Elsewhere Fizz is going into early labour with a murderers baby and Rita is still lying out cold on the floor in the cabin. I hope Rita is alright, institution that she is. Nick and "Ashleh" have managed to yank Peter from out of the rubble but are still trapped. Fun loving "Ashleh" suggests they all go for a beer together once this is all over. Yeah, because the last night out together went so well. It is while "Beckeh" is running around screaming for Steve and Max that we find out what has happened to Sunnita. Crushed up to her neck by rubble could she be one of the four funerals?

It's been twenty minutes and a whole ONE doctor with an attitude problem has turned up on the street, like the explosion and tram crash is a massive inconvenience to his life. There's been a pile up on the motorway so looks like the wounded are stuck with Gail and Janice until more help arrives; I'm surprised it's only four funerals with those odds against them. Molly is passing out and the baby's cries are being heard by real Dad Kevin and poor Tyrone who is about to lose everything as the two dig feverishly to get to little Jack. Elsewhere Jason is still stuck with Simon, Sunnita is looking more like a goner by the minute, Fizz is still going into labour and Nick, "Ashleh" and Peter are still trapped. The episode ends with all of these cliffhangers to get the audience hooked and I can't wait for tomorrow. Here's to 50 more dramatic years.