Alternative Brit Awards

Yes, it is that time once again where hands smack the backs of nodding, lip synching puppets who are praised and thanked for all their bust-a-move bopping and miming skills. Looking at the list of nominees I am quite surprised at the amount of reasonably OK talent in there this year. Criminally there is no sign of Fanfarlo and their joyously thunder-clapping album Reservoir... but hopefully their time will come. Anywho, I thought it would be fun / a bit of a giggle / a way to pass the time until the Brit Awards comes on that doesn't involve me hacking away at my Destroy It Yourself fringe to do *drum roll* Alternative Brit Awards! And by that I don't mean give a grundy, sweepy haired, be-tattered and pierced "dude" (that word makes me gag, particularly when used by posh people from Oxford or Cambridge) an award for ripping off Incubus or My Vitriol, no. I mean alternative nominations. Cue pennies dropping the world over. What a noise!

Worst Comeback 

Adam Rickitt

For anyone who blinked and missed it, Adam Rickitt waved goodbye to Shortland Street and came back to the UK to restart his singing career. I heard the director, upon hearing the bad news, asked him "Is it you or is it me?" to which Adam replied, with a sage and grave look upon his plastic face, "Lately I've been lost it seems. I think a change is what I need. I'm looking for a chance or to dream..." The director then nodded, wiped away a tear and tore up dear Adam's Shortland Street contract. Wise choice Adz. One concert at GAY and on to the dole queue.

Singer who most looks like they suffered a severe lack

of oxygen on Mars during the climax of Total Recall

Oritse Williams

I know. I am horrible and immature. But there are enough screamy girls out there who fancy him rotten for me to be entitled to a mild bit of piss taking. You can see it too though, right?

Singer with haircut most likely to cause long term damage to neck muscles 

and also be likely cause of singer walking in front of a bus

Justin Bieber

Every time I see that precocious little dyke on my TV I want to shout "Get a fucking hair cut if it is annoying you and getting in your face so much!" Egads.

Singer who looks the most handsome while wearing / 

can actually pull off the big geeky glasses look with aplomb

(instead of looking like a trend following prick)

Tinie Tempah

Beautiful bone structure, that Tinie. Nice to see a rapper wanting to show a bit of panache and class too, instead of having their trousers round their ankles and dirty boxers on display while giving everyone the finger.

Band most guilty of criminal misuse of another song

that in turn created a tragedy of modern music

Joint winners: 

JLS for The Club is Alive

and

Black Eyed Peas for The Time (Dirty Bit)

Yeah that's right, pixelate and blur yourselves in shame Black Eyed Peas. From JLS we expect this sort of music because it gives them the opportunity to show off their their dance skillz and Aston's astonishing ability to do bloody backflips (we all KNOW about it now. Stop doing it on every single TV show you go on) but Black Eyed Peas taking a classic like Dirty Dancing's Time of My Life only to RUIN it? I, for one, was shocked. 

Best Thighs

Rihanna

Just wow. Well deserved winner of that award I say. And on that note, the alternative Brit Awards of 2011 are over (because the proper one is about to start on ITV). Ta ta.