Even Free Cable Has a Price

Ernie "Chip" Douglas is a lonely and disturbed cable guy who desperately wants a companion. Raised on TV (his "babysitter") while his Mum went to bars at nights, Chip (Jim Carrey) is under the impression that people are having exciting, melodramatic lives which he wants to be a part of. He meets Steven, a designer who has recently broken up with his girlfriend, while installing his cable. Steven gives Chip an extra $50 in exchange for all of the channels and fakes an interest in Chips line of work, which a naive Chip takes as an opportunity to make a friend. What follows is a manic, hilarious and at times disturbing story of unrequited and possessive friendship.

Chip takes Steven on the "information superhighway" to see the satellite that gives America cable. Steven thinks this is a one off meeting to thank him for the free cable, that is until Chip shows up at his basketball court, takes an injured players place and ruins the game for everyone involved; almost breaking the back of real best friend Rick (Jack Black in an early role). Realising that Chip is more than a little strange Steven decides to back away from him, only to return home to 11 messages on his answer machine from his new "best friend". With a night of snuggling up with his ex while watching chick magnet Sleepless in Seattle on his mind Steven ignores the calls with bad consequences. This pattern continues throughout the film as Chip manipulates and stalks his way back into Steven's life by giving him expensive electrical goods for his home, buying him a prostitute to take his mind off Robyn, paying the cast of Medieval Times to let the two of them have a joust to the (near) death and beating up the guy that Robyn goes on a date with.

Everything Chip does is done with the best of intentions. He desperately wants Steven to like him and to be happy but goes about this in the most alarming and consequential ways possible. Chip is torn between a normal friendship and a life of melodrama with melodrama as the outright winner. He gives Robyn free cable and tells a horrible story about giving his ex space which had traumatic consequences to get her to take Steven back. It works but doesn't make Steven want to be his friend again. Feeling used and abandoned Chip hijack's his ex best friends life. The electrical goods he accepted were stolen and Steven ends up arrested and put in jail for the weekend. Worse still, there is no sign of anyone called "Chip Douglas" who works for the cable company. Chip, who is now calling himself "Larry Tate", visits him in jail and warns "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter."

With Steven in the clink Chip takes the opportunity to ingratiate himself with Robyn and Steven's family. When released Steven tries to play Chip's game but the it get too much and he punches him in front of his horrified girlfriend and parents, making them believe more than ever that it is Steven who has issues. While Steven's hacked work computer sends a viral of him bitching about his boss to everyone in the office Rick phones him with information on Chip who has been sacked by cable companies for stalking clients while using fake names such as "George Jetson" and "Mr Magoo". Having taken this news on board Steven barricades himself in his home, turning off all the lights and locking his door. Chip realises that Steven is on to him and takes drastic measures to get his attention. He kidnaps an unwitting Robyn and takes her to the satellite dish. There is a climactic battle as the two battle for Robyn but with helicopters and police swooping the area Chip knows his time is up. He tells Steven "Somebody has to kill the babysitter" and falls onto the satellite dish, taking out the whole areas TV signal. He is airlifted to hospital, with the paramedic telling him "Hang in their buddy." Chip asks "Am I really your buddy?" The film ends as it has begun, with Chip / Larry / Ricky Ricardo having a new victim to terrorise into being his new best friend.

The Cable Guy is a very dark comedy that dips it's toes into the water of psychological horror. Jim Carrey is excellent as the clingy and deranged Chip whose mind is so destroyed by television and movies that he has almost no identity while Matthew Broderick is quietly impressive as the anal retentive and harassed Steven. Highlights of the movie are obviously the jousting scene and the karaoke session but there are many funny parts in this to pull you through the more sinister moments. The Cable Guy is a gem of a film that didn't get the recognition it deserved, but for those who "get it" the movie becomes an easy favourite to watch again and again.

Don't forget to wear The Jacket in the morgue.

Trippy science fiction movie The Jacket tells the story of Jack Sparks, a gulf war veteran who is released from duty after surviving a shot to the head in 1991. After a year in rehabilitation he is back in the real world where he ends up wrongly accused of murder and sent to an asylum. Out of the frying pan and into the fire comes to mind...

Jack is surrounded by crazy people but the problem is he isn't one of them. He's an amnesiac trapped in Hell with a devilish psychiatric doctor wanting to use him for a strange experiment (if you can call pumping someone full of drugs, wrapping them up in a straitjacket and putting them in a morgue drawer that) that has killed other inmates before. The claustrophobia is intensified by close ups of Sparks (Brody) eyes and mouth as he panics in the closing darkness. The drugs and atmosphere set up a psychedelic trip of brightly flashing colours and disjointed fragments of memories in Jack's fractured mind before we dive into the future with Jack who ends up outside a greasy spoon in 2007. He is offered a lift from pouty, chin jutting Jackie (Knightley) who for the first half hour of the film seems to care more about using her lips suggestively than her ability to act. They're rubbed against bottles, her hands go in her mouth, her lips are consistently parted. Perhaps she is a mouth breather? Maybe we shouldn't judge so harshly.

Jackie has had a hard life. Her mother was an alcoholic who died in a bed of flames after passing out with a cigarette in her hand. She left Jackie alone to repeat her miserable existence. The thing is Jack already knows about this because he met Jackie in 1992. She was the little girl he met by the road on his way home from war whose Mum was lying inebriated in the snow because their car engine had frozen up. Jack had chatted kindly to the girl and given her his soldier dog tags which she still has. Jack finds the dog tags and explains his dilemma of time travel and insane asylums to a disbelieving and frankly freaked out Jackie who (pouting and squinting) tells poor Jack to leave. He has to go anyway, bitch, because his time in the morgue drawer is running out. Don't think Jackie boy was leaving because of you Jackie, you filthy drunk. That kind, caring, good with children Jack Sparks is too good for you anyway!

Jack's halitosis was too much for the nurse to bare.

Jack returns to the morgue and is pulled out of the drawer. The psychiatrist asks him to blink if he hears him. Jack blinks and the psychiatrist is impressed Jack hasn't passed out from being in there, deciding to up the dosage and time for the next stage of the experiment. What follows is a murder mystery romance as Jackie helps Jack find out about his time in the asylum. It turns out he has four days until his death in 1992 and he needs to find out how he dies. Is it that the experiment goes wrong? Is it abuse from the nurses in the asylum? Is it an attack from a fellow inmate? No. He dies after slipping on ice. All those possibilities of a more dramatic climax and it turns out Jack could have been saved from having better grip on his shoes.

It is a big build up to the moment of Jack's demise. In one episode of being in the jacket he asks 2007 Jackie what her address was in 1992. He then gets Dr. Lorensson to take him to the address with a letter for Jackie's mother. In the letter he explains his death, her death, his meeting with her and Jackie and the time travelling. It is outside the asylum that Jack slips up and is taken, head bleeding, to the morgue where he puts the jacket on one last time. He shoots to 2007 and ends up outside the greasy spoon with his head bleeding. Back in the morgue in 1992 they open the morgue drawer and there is no sign of him! Jackie, who has finished her shift, eyes him with a hint of recognition and again offers him a lift. In the car she asks him how long they have. The credits roll as We Have All The Time in the World blares out.

Henry knew signing up to that extras agency was a good idea.

My question is this: Is he going to disappear from Jackie in 2007 as soon as he dies in 1992? If so why the Hell is he playing with her emotions like that? "How much time do we have?" "I don't know, maybe 10 hours until I am released from my brain dead coma." Has he died in 1992 and then been transported into another dimension? Has his whole existence been changed by giving Jackie's Mum that letter? If so why hasn't he aged in 2007? Why is his head still bloody? The Jacket is a great way for Adrien Brody to show off his acting muscle as a rakishly thin, dreamy and broodingly unexpected heart throb who has a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sadly the script doesn't match his talents. It's a twisty-turny, time travelling science-fiction fare that left me feeling confused and a little disappointed.

Alternative Brit Awards

Yes, it is that time once again where hands smack the backs of nodding, lip synching puppets who are praised and thanked for all their bust-a-move bopping and miming skills. Looking at the list of nominees I am quite surprised at the amount of reasonably OK talent in there this year. Criminally there is no sign of Fanfarlo and their joyously thunder-clapping album Reservoir... but hopefully their time will come. Anywho, I thought it would be fun / a bit of a giggle / a way to pass the time until the Brit Awards comes on that doesn't involve me hacking away at my Destroy It Yourself fringe to do *drum roll* Alternative Brit Awards! And by that I don't mean give a grundy, sweepy haired, be-tattered and pierced "dude" (that word makes me gag, particularly when used by posh people from Oxford or Cambridge) an award for ripping off Incubus or My Vitriol, no. I mean alternative nominations. Cue pennies dropping the world over. What a noise!

Worst Comeback 

Adam Rickitt

For anyone who blinked and missed it, Adam Rickitt waved goodbye to Shortland Street and came back to the UK to restart his singing career. I heard the director, upon hearing the bad news, asked him "Is it you or is it me?" to which Adam replied, with a sage and grave look upon his plastic face, "Lately I've been lost it seems. I think a change is what I need. I'm looking for a chance or to dream..." The director then nodded, wiped away a tear and tore up dear Adam's Shortland Street contract. Wise choice Adz. One concert at GAY and on to the dole queue.

Singer who most looks like they suffered a severe lack

of oxygen on Mars during the climax of Total Recall

Oritse Williams

I know. I am horrible and immature. But there are enough screamy girls out there who fancy him rotten for me to be entitled to a mild bit of piss taking. You can see it too though, right?

Singer with haircut most likely to cause long term damage to neck muscles 

and also be likely cause of singer walking in front of a bus

Justin Bieber

Every time I see that precocious little dyke on my TV I want to shout "Get a fucking hair cut if it is annoying you and getting in your face so much!" Egads.

Singer who looks the most handsome while wearing / 

can actually pull off the big geeky glasses look with aplomb

(instead of looking like a trend following prick)

Tinie Tempah

Beautiful bone structure, that Tinie. Nice to see a rapper wanting to show a bit of panache and class too, instead of having their trousers round their ankles and dirty boxers on display while giving everyone the finger.

Band most guilty of criminal misuse of another song

that in turn created a tragedy of modern music

Joint winners: 

JLS for The Club is Alive

and

Black Eyed Peas for The Time (Dirty Bit)

Yeah that's right, pixelate and blur yourselves in shame Black Eyed Peas. From JLS we expect this sort of music because it gives them the opportunity to show off their their dance skillz and Aston's astonishing ability to do bloody backflips (we all KNOW about it now. Stop doing it on every single TV show you go on) but Black Eyed Peas taking a classic like Dirty Dancing's Time of My Life only to RUIN it? I, for one, was shocked. 

Best Thighs

Rihanna

Just wow. Well deserved winner of that award I say. And on that note, the alternative Brit Awards of 2011 are over (because the proper one is about to start on ITV). Ta ta.

The Tourist: Review of a Terrible Film

If I were on my death bed today, racked with the effort to breathe as I wiped the bloodied phlegm from my dry, parched lips, I would clasp your hand in mine, look deep into your eyes and say "Whatever you do in life... promise me one thing... don't watch The Tourist."

It is a film that tried so hard to be a classic that it has become a classic rotten tomato; a film to be sneered and tittered at in general discussions about the worst films you have seen recently. "Just what were they thinking?" becomes a typical phrase during the discussion... and gives you pause for thought. Just what were Johnny Depp: Burton's quirky golden boy and all round brilliant actor, and  Angelina Jolie: sex goddess with the ability to be excellent (albeit a little shouty) thinking? Maybe it was a movie that looked good on paper. Maybe the foreign locations and mistaken identity / not mistaken identity / is he isn't he? storyline looked like the sort of movie that would go down in the ages as a modern champion to mingle with the golden greats. Except it didn't. It bombed.

"Three double cheeseburgers, one large fries and a chocolate milkshake, thanks."

The Tourist is the story of Elise (Jolie) and Frank (Depp) and their meeting on a train to Venice. Elise is being followed by Scotland Yard who are after her lover Alexander who has evaded tax payments and owes a gangster millions. She is given specific instructions to get on a train to Venice by Alexander and to pick someone out who has the same build and height as him as a way to fool the police. Except, oops! One of the police officers is a bit dodgy and passes on Frank's photo to the mob. Cue lots of running around, jumping off buildings, shoot outs on boats and so on. Frank is told he is part of a plan to save Alexander, but his attraction to Elise won't let him leave her and he frequently gets in the way of undercover operations, much to the chagrin of the police. Eventually the mob catches up with Elise, who it turns out is part of the police force, and her life is put in danger as she is forced to open Alexander's safe. Frank goes in to distract the mob while the police take aim and shoot the gangsters. The police are told Alexander is by the pier so go arrest him. With Elise and Frank alone, Frank opens the safe and takes out the millions that were in there... leaving a cheque for the money he owes in tax. Yes, Frank was Alexander all along, and the other guy who everyone thought was Alexander was "just a tourist". Quelle surprise. The two set sail on a boat together, with Elise asking "Twenty million dollars worth of plastic surgery and that's the face you choose?" before telling him "It will do." I would have found this moment much more entertaining and the vast amount of money spent on a face more believable if Frank had been played by Mickey Rourke or Sly Stallone.

"Leave it Ange, she 'int werf it."

One of the main problems while watching The Tourist was the strain it put on your ears. There is constant disneyfied, swooping music in the background that makes it seem like Frank and Elise have a full orchestra trailing behind them everywhere they go. Worse still was when Elise burnt the letter she received off Frank and walked away from the scene as the police raced to save evidence. The music went from swoopy to cheesy electro. It was horrid. Another issue is the distinct lack of chemistry between the two main actors. It's Depp and Jolie, two of the most beautiful people in the world! Looking into their eyes is like seeing a sunrise or going on a hot air balloon over Africa for the first time for Christ's sake. If they can't have a fizzle of chemistry then what hope is their for the rest of us? I also found it a massive shame that Maths teacher Frank was downplayed so much by Depp that he was almost invisible. He seemed to bumble through the film like a ghost. And don't get me started on the "high-tech" gadgets used by the police to lazily force the storyline along. It's a shame that The Tourist didn't work out because the Venice setting was beautiful and the actors were beautiful... but the script was one ugly frothy mess that left you feeling very let down at the end. Depp and Jolie, we expected more.

Catcher in the Rye Review

So I sort of started reading this book the other day. It was by some guy called JD Salinger who had only gone and written about teenage angst in the 50s. I mean, the book was great and all, but every so often the confessional, colloquial, stream of consciousness style of writing could get a little annoying. The protagonist was this great kid called Holden Caulfield, you'd like him if you ever met him. Not much happens in the book, it's sort of mainly about Caulfield's feelings - and boy, does that kid have god damn feelings. He has so many god damn feelings that he fails classes (again) and is about to get kicked out of school. The only subject he passes is English. Knowing he has to leave Pencey and all of it's phonies anyway, he leaves after a fight with his room-mate and goes on a weekend of adventure in New York.

The trouble with old Caulfield, though, is that he is just too god damn sensitive to enjoy himself. He is too wrapped up in his own thoughts about where the ducks go in winter, or about his deceased brother Allie and the repercussions of that death on his family to really enjoy or succeed in anything. He happily admits to lying to make himself appear more interesting, and frequently uses different names for himself to the dubious characters he meets. He feels alienated from everyone around him and wants to be someone more exciting than old Holden Caulfield, the grieving kid who lies a lot, flunks classes and annoys girls with his overbearing cynicism. Caulfield's heroes in the book are his dead younger brother Allie, his mildly eccentric yet incredibly perceptive younger sister Phoebe and his older brother: the talented Hollywood "prostitute" writer DB. Once his dough runs out Caulfield breaks into his own home and wakes up old Phoebe. The two have a talk and Phoebe is sore with him for failing school again. She angrily tells him that he doesn't like anything and has no direction. It is then that he tells her that he wants to be the catcher in the rye, someone who saves children from falling into adulthood. He wishes to catch them and return them to innocence. What he doesn't realise is that he has misheard Robert Burns' Comin' Through the Rye poem and that there is no hero that saves. He also doesn't realise it will be Phoebe who will save him from his breakdown by getting him to return home, admit he has problems and get the help he needs.

The Catcher in the Rye was a book written for adults which explained to them the gap between childhood and adulthood. At the time the book was written teenage angst was something ignored and barely seen out of the corner of a parents eye. To most families it didn't exist and wasn't understood, but old JD understood alright. He wrote a book that became a god damn best seller he understood so god damn well. The book became popular with teenagers the world over who have learnt that having doubts is OK and being lost for a while is OK too because, just like those ducks in winter, you will eventually make it back to the place you want to be.

The Black Swan: Review

In Black Swan, the movie that everyone is talking about, Natalie Portman gives the performance of her career as lost little girl Nina; a woman-child with an obsessive personality. Nina is obsessed with perfection, whether that be her body or her ballet performances. It appears throughout the film that she does not even seem to enjoy ballet, unlike sexy strumpet and all round free spirit Lily who flows with the music and embraces the sensuality of dance. The dichotomy between the virginal Nina and the charismatic, sexual Lily is in obvious (to the extent of slightly heavy handed) comparison to the white and black swan in the New York City ballet company's up-coming play Swan Lake. The last Swan Queen (played by the excellent Winona Ryder) has been pushed out of the company for fresher meat, much to her embittered chagrin. To save the role of Swan Queen from the clutches of manipulative Lily Nina must embrace her dark side, let out her neuroses and latent psychotic behaviour and transform before our eyes into the black swan.

The gripping melodrama and pyscho-horror of Black Swan is intensified by Darren Aronofsky's use of New York City's tall buildings, shadowed alleys and darkened rooms. In fact the whole movie seems to be shrouded in darkness which becomes increasingly noticeable and more claustrophobic as the film races to it's tragic end. Not only does Nina have to cope with the back stabbing Lily and the attempts at seduction from sleazy yet talented director Thomas, she also has a resentful Mother who became pregnant during a relatively unsuccessful ballet career and is now forcing her lost dreams onto her fragile daughter. Their turbulent relationship is based on the mother's controlling and possessive behaviour and the underlying resentment on both parts.

Her Mother is aware of Nina's self harming and uses it as a weapon in arguments, not realising that her daughter wouldn't be such a perfectionist if it were not for her mother's demands. The moments throughout the film that Nina does harm herself are always seen in the aftermath of one of her disturbing fantasies. Her back is continuously scratched at, almost a nervous tic, and the skin is peeling off around her nails (a sign of possible anorexia). Nina is growing up and wishes to be rid of her infantile bedroom with it's teddy bears and pink wallpaper; she wants to spread her wings from her mother's disciplinarian nest but is not mentally strong enough to do so. This is why Lily's knock on the door, during yet another battle for power, is an opportunity for Nina to escape and rebel from her regimented life.

The two go out, take drugs, drink alcohol and dance freely without need to watch another to learn the moves to perfection. Nina ends up having sex in a nastily lit toilet with a man she barely knows. It is at that moment that the drugs wear off and she tries to escape the long and thin corridors in the club, only to go outside to the claustrophobic streets of Manhattan. There is no escape for Nina from her inner or outer turmoil and the two girls head home for a night of passion. In the morning Nina wakes alone and realises she is late for ballet practice; Lily had not woken her up in an attempt to sabotage Nina's opportunity as the Swan Queen. Nina arrives late to see Lily has stepped in to fill her role. She is ready to fight her enemy but Lily's faux innocence, confused face and mocking denial of staying the night is confusing both for Nina and for the audience. Having already seen the psychotic fantasies that Nina is prone to it does make us question whether Lily truly is trying to overthrow her friend.

The film continues with visual imagery of Nina's metamorphosis. She imagines her legs snapping, her toes webbing and the scratch on her back starts to grow wings out of it. Mirrors are also used to show her mental instability and Nina begins to believe that her reflection is still watching her when she is no longer looking at herself. On opening night Lily is seen groping one of the male dancers who proceeds to come on stage with Nina and drops her in front of the audience. The treachery of Lily is clear and in the intermission she finds her enemy in the dressing room. The two fight, a mirror is broken and as Lily strangles Nina, Nina stabs her in self defence then hides the body in the shower. Having fully embraced her dark side Nina goes back on stage to give the performance of her life.

In the second interval Nina is praised for her brilliance but she is distracted and races to her room to find blood coming out from beneath the shower door. She puts a towel over the blood to cover it after hearing a knock at the door. It is an impressed and apologetic Lily who praises Nina. Nina shuts the door on her and turns to the shower. It is empty! She looks down at her stomach and sees the blood seeping out. Holding a hand over her wound, she weeps quietly before being called back on stage for the final scene. As the white swan waves to her audience and throws herself into the abyss of death the crowd goes wild. Thomas runs to her and praises Nina for becoming immersed in the role. He notices the blood and her shallow breathing and calls for an ambulance. Nina smiles at him and says "I felt it... It was perfect.... I was perfect."

As far as twisted horror movies go this is the best you will see all year. It is dark, disturbing, at times deranged but definitely something fresh to see at the cinema. Black Swan is a visual treat that grips you from beginning to end (with the added bonus of seeing the incredibly stunning Mila Kunis put her head between Natalie Portman's thighs). At times the boxed in, shadowed surroundings can get a bit much for the viewer but there won't be another film in the psycho-horror genre that excels on all levels like this does for a while.