Erwin James: The Man Not The Murderer

In the past week I read two books by Guardian columnist cum prison diarist Erwin James. Through the books I saw the change in James as he matured and prepared for his life outside. He always appeared wise to prison life and the psychological behaviours of prisoners and was a strong advocate for men doing the time but not becoming a miscarriage of justice themselves, publicising any cruel knock-backs of friends who had become forgotten grey matter over the years.

The opportunity to write was a great one for James, it allowed him to become more perceptive of others and gave him a purpose in showing the many Guardian readers a world they would probably never see. His writing was honest, never biassed and humbling in allowing us into his thoughts and feelings of shame for his crimes (which he never told his audience... only that it all started when he was ten). He was open from the start, albeit careful to change names, places and time frames to protect other prisoners, and the ending was jubilant as he left the prison to continue the rest of his life as a free and redeemed man. That is how I felt about Erwin James, until my curiosity got the better of me and I typed his name into Google.

I was shocked to read that Erwin James (real name James Monahan) had gone to jail for the murders of two men with his accomplice William Ross. The two had spent time together boozing it up and boosting each others fractured confidence before stealing cars and robbing from houses. After meeting Greville Hallam in a Soho bar, where Ross and Monahan were trying to sell videos, the three of them went back to Hallam's house in Hampstead where Monahan got his victim in a headlock and strangled him. Hallam was found bound and naked and a television, stereo and video equipment had been stolen. Three months later Ross and Monahan dragged Angus Cochrane into the rose garden's of St. James's park. The two men kicked, punched and beat Cochrane with a brick before taking the little money he had in his wallet and left him to die.

It is hard not to change your opinion of a man you believe to have redeemed himself when you see the severity of his crimes. It was not mere opportunistic behaviour gone wrong. Both times the two men seemed to revel in their power over another person and enjoyed the cruel savagery they forced on their victims. It is hard not to see past this heinous crime when you read about it in the present, but it is important to remember it was over twenty years ago that this happened. That would never make what Ross and Monahan did forgiveable, but it gives us the chance to see how one man can improve himself in prison.

Some prisoners will refuse to take advantage of opportunities offered to them, but James Monahan was not one of them. Having spent his first year on 23 hour-a-day solitary lock up, Monahan realised he had a lot to improve about himself. He had huge issues with self-worth, could barely read or write and cared little about anything but his own survival. It was a meeting with a wing psychologist that made Monahan appreciate prison could be a new beginning. He spent six years reading Plato and Sophocles through the night and the writers made Monahan realise his own life could have been so different. Brought up in a "brutal and rootless environment" Monahan spent time between his family home and being in care. His Mother died when he was seven and his criminal life began at the age of ten. As a boy there was no one to offer support or guidance and from that Monahan created his own destructive path that led him to twenty years in jail and the blood of two men on his hands. After six years of reading the greats and coming to terms with his previous life, Monahan gained a degree from The Open University.

From then on Monahan was known around the prison wings as "the guy who could write a good letter" and he frequently helped out his fellow prisoners. In 1998 his first column appeared in The Guardian and continued up until his release in 2004. It was brave of Monahan to give Guardian readers an insight into his world, particularly when he had to read out the article down the phone in front of other prisoners and guards, while trying to protect his identity. Once he left prison Monahan continued to work for the charity he worked for while in the open prison, but also wrote for The Guardian. In 2009 someone found out who Monahan really was and spread it on the internet. Uproar ensued: a murderer? I was reading some facking murderer's words? What was that fackin' paper thinking?! etc.

It is the shock of the word: Murder.

It is something that is required inside that person for the deed to take place. Something that most of us don't have. Something evil and unknown. The Guardian were brave to choose Monahan, as I am sure they would know that deep down, one day, it would all come out. But is the crime the reason they chose him? Hell no. The Guardian saw something in Monahan that anyone who reads his books will see: his humanity. They chose him for the choices he made in prison; choices that allowed him to be rehabilitated and reformed into a well respected human being. James Monahan could have spent his time in prison battling authority and fighting other prisoners. He could have continued with a life of crime and violence. Instead he transformed over twenty years from an uncaring brute into a confident, eloquent and contrite man who has done his time. James Monahan's story is shocking, but we must remember that the end result gave the world a man, not a murderer.

Even Free Cable Has a Price

Ernie "Chip" Douglas is a lonely and disturbed cable guy who desperately wants a companion. Raised on TV (his "babysitter") while his Mum went to bars at nights, Chip (Jim Carrey) is under the impression that people are having exciting, melodramatic lives which he wants to be a part of. He meets Steven, a designer who has recently broken up with his girlfriend, while installing his cable. Steven gives Chip an extra $50 in exchange for all of the channels and fakes an interest in Chips line of work, which a naive Chip takes as an opportunity to make a friend. What follows is a manic, hilarious and at times disturbing story of unrequited and possessive friendship.

Chip takes Steven on the "information superhighway" to see the satellite that gives America cable. Steven thinks this is a one off meeting to thank him for the free cable, that is until Chip shows up at his basketball court, takes an injured players place and ruins the game for everyone involved; almost breaking the back of real best friend Rick (Jack Black in an early role). Realising that Chip is more than a little strange Steven decides to back away from him, only to return home to 11 messages on his answer machine from his new "best friend". With a night of snuggling up with his ex while watching chick magnet Sleepless in Seattle on his mind Steven ignores the calls with bad consequences. This pattern continues throughout the film as Chip manipulates and stalks his way back into Steven's life by giving him expensive electrical goods for his home, buying him a prostitute to take his mind off Robyn, paying the cast of Medieval Times to let the two of them have a joust to the (near) death and beating up the guy that Robyn goes on a date with.

Everything Chip does is done with the best of intentions. He desperately wants Steven to like him and to be happy but goes about this in the most alarming and consequential ways possible. Chip is torn between a normal friendship and a life of melodrama with melodrama as the outright winner. He gives Robyn free cable and tells a horrible story about giving his ex space which had traumatic consequences to get her to take Steven back. It works but doesn't make Steven want to be his friend again. Feeling used and abandoned Chip hijack's his ex best friends life. The electrical goods he accepted were stolen and Steven ends up arrested and put in jail for the weekend. Worse still, there is no sign of anyone called "Chip Douglas" who works for the cable company. Chip, who is now calling himself "Larry Tate", visits him in jail and warns "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter."

With Steven in the clink Chip takes the opportunity to ingratiate himself with Robyn and Steven's family. When released Steven tries to play Chip's game but the it get too much and he punches him in front of his horrified girlfriend and parents, making them believe more than ever that it is Steven who has issues. While Steven's hacked work computer sends a viral of him bitching about his boss to everyone in the office Rick phones him with information on Chip who has been sacked by cable companies for stalking clients while using fake names such as "George Jetson" and "Mr Magoo". Having taken this news on board Steven barricades himself in his home, turning off all the lights and locking his door. Chip realises that Steven is on to him and takes drastic measures to get his attention. He kidnaps an unwitting Robyn and takes her to the satellite dish. There is a climactic battle as the two battle for Robyn but with helicopters and police swooping the area Chip knows his time is up. He tells Steven "Somebody has to kill the babysitter" and falls onto the satellite dish, taking out the whole areas TV signal. He is airlifted to hospital, with the paramedic telling him "Hang in their buddy." Chip asks "Am I really your buddy?" The film ends as it has begun, with Chip / Larry / Ricky Ricardo having a new victim to terrorise into being his new best friend.

The Cable Guy is a very dark comedy that dips it's toes into the water of psychological horror. Jim Carrey is excellent as the clingy and deranged Chip whose mind is so destroyed by television and movies that he has almost no identity while Matthew Broderick is quietly impressive as the anal retentive and harassed Steven. Highlights of the movie are obviously the jousting scene and the karaoke session but there are many funny parts in this to pull you through the more sinister moments. The Cable Guy is a gem of a film that didn't get the recognition it deserved, but for those who "get it" the movie becomes an easy favourite to watch again and again.

Don't forget to wear The Jacket in the morgue.

Trippy science fiction movie The Jacket tells the story of Jack Sparks, a gulf war veteran who is released from duty after surviving a shot to the head in 1991. After a year in rehabilitation he is back in the real world where he ends up wrongly accused of murder and sent to an asylum. Out of the frying pan and into the fire comes to mind...

Jack is surrounded by crazy people but the problem is he isn't one of them. He's an amnesiac trapped in Hell with a devilish psychiatric doctor wanting to use him for a strange experiment (if you can call pumping someone full of drugs, wrapping them up in a straitjacket and putting them in a morgue drawer that) that has killed other inmates before. The claustrophobia is intensified by close ups of Sparks (Brody) eyes and mouth as he panics in the closing darkness. The drugs and atmosphere set up a psychedelic trip of brightly flashing colours and disjointed fragments of memories in Jack's fractured mind before we dive into the future with Jack who ends up outside a greasy spoon in 2007. He is offered a lift from pouty, chin jutting Jackie (Knightley) who for the first half hour of the film seems to care more about using her lips suggestively than her ability to act. They're rubbed against bottles, her hands go in her mouth, her lips are consistently parted. Perhaps she is a mouth breather? Maybe we shouldn't judge so harshly.

Jackie has had a hard life. Her mother was an alcoholic who died in a bed of flames after passing out with a cigarette in her hand. She left Jackie alone to repeat her miserable existence. The thing is Jack already knows about this because he met Jackie in 1992. She was the little girl he met by the road on his way home from war whose Mum was lying inebriated in the snow because their car engine had frozen up. Jack had chatted kindly to the girl and given her his soldier dog tags which she still has. Jack finds the dog tags and explains his dilemma of time travel and insane asylums to a disbelieving and frankly freaked out Jackie who (pouting and squinting) tells poor Jack to leave. He has to go anyway, bitch, because his time in the morgue drawer is running out. Don't think Jackie boy was leaving because of you Jackie, you filthy drunk. That kind, caring, good with children Jack Sparks is too good for you anyway!

Jack's halitosis was too much for the nurse to bare.

Jack returns to the morgue and is pulled out of the drawer. The psychiatrist asks him to blink if he hears him. Jack blinks and the psychiatrist is impressed Jack hasn't passed out from being in there, deciding to up the dosage and time for the next stage of the experiment. What follows is a murder mystery romance as Jackie helps Jack find out about his time in the asylum. It turns out he has four days until his death in 1992 and he needs to find out how he dies. Is it that the experiment goes wrong? Is it abuse from the nurses in the asylum? Is it an attack from a fellow inmate? No. He dies after slipping on ice. All those possibilities of a more dramatic climax and it turns out Jack could have been saved from having better grip on his shoes.

It is a big build up to the moment of Jack's demise. In one episode of being in the jacket he asks 2007 Jackie what her address was in 1992. He then gets Dr. Lorensson to take him to the address with a letter for Jackie's mother. In the letter he explains his death, her death, his meeting with her and Jackie and the time travelling. It is outside the asylum that Jack slips up and is taken, head bleeding, to the morgue where he puts the jacket on one last time. He shoots to 2007 and ends up outside the greasy spoon with his head bleeding. Back in the morgue in 1992 they open the morgue drawer and there is no sign of him! Jackie, who has finished her shift, eyes him with a hint of recognition and again offers him a lift. In the car she asks him how long they have. The credits roll as We Have All The Time in the World blares out.

Henry knew signing up to that extras agency was a good idea.

My question is this: Is he going to disappear from Jackie in 2007 as soon as he dies in 1992? If so why the Hell is he playing with her emotions like that? "How much time do we have?" "I don't know, maybe 10 hours until I am released from my brain dead coma." Has he died in 1992 and then been transported into another dimension? Has his whole existence been changed by giving Jackie's Mum that letter? If so why hasn't he aged in 2007? Why is his head still bloody? The Jacket is a great way for Adrien Brody to show off his acting muscle as a rakishly thin, dreamy and broodingly unexpected heart throb who has a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sadly the script doesn't match his talents. It's a twisty-turny, time travelling science-fiction fare that left me feeling confused and a little disappointed.

Alternative Brit Awards

Yes, it is that time once again where hands smack the backs of nodding, lip synching puppets who are praised and thanked for all their bust-a-move bopping and miming skills. Looking at the list of nominees I am quite surprised at the amount of reasonably OK talent in there this year. Criminally there is no sign of Fanfarlo and their joyously thunder-clapping album Reservoir... but hopefully their time will come. Anywho, I thought it would be fun / a bit of a giggle / a way to pass the time until the Brit Awards comes on that doesn't involve me hacking away at my Destroy It Yourself fringe to do *drum roll* Alternative Brit Awards! And by that I don't mean give a grundy, sweepy haired, be-tattered and pierced "dude" (that word makes me gag, particularly when used by posh people from Oxford or Cambridge) an award for ripping off Incubus or My Vitriol, no. I mean alternative nominations. Cue pennies dropping the world over. What a noise!

Worst Comeback 

Adam Rickitt

For anyone who blinked and missed it, Adam Rickitt waved goodbye to Shortland Street and came back to the UK to restart his singing career. I heard the director, upon hearing the bad news, asked him "Is it you or is it me?" to which Adam replied, with a sage and grave look upon his plastic face, "Lately I've been lost it seems. I think a change is what I need. I'm looking for a chance or to dream..." The director then nodded, wiped away a tear and tore up dear Adam's Shortland Street contract. Wise choice Adz. One concert at GAY and on to the dole queue.

Singer who most looks like they suffered a severe lack

of oxygen on Mars during the climax of Total Recall

Oritse Williams

I know. I am horrible and immature. But there are enough screamy girls out there who fancy him rotten for me to be entitled to a mild bit of piss taking. You can see it too though, right?

Singer with haircut most likely to cause long term damage to neck muscles 

and also be likely cause of singer walking in front of a bus

Justin Bieber

Every time I see that precocious little dyke on my TV I want to shout "Get a fucking hair cut if it is annoying you and getting in your face so much!" Egads.

Singer who looks the most handsome while wearing / 

can actually pull off the big geeky glasses look with aplomb

(instead of looking like a trend following prick)

Tinie Tempah

Beautiful bone structure, that Tinie. Nice to see a rapper wanting to show a bit of panache and class too, instead of having their trousers round their ankles and dirty boxers on display while giving everyone the finger.

Band most guilty of criminal misuse of another song

that in turn created a tragedy of modern music

Joint winners: 

JLS for The Club is Alive

and

Black Eyed Peas for The Time (Dirty Bit)

Yeah that's right, pixelate and blur yourselves in shame Black Eyed Peas. From JLS we expect this sort of music because it gives them the opportunity to show off their their dance skillz and Aston's astonishing ability to do bloody backflips (we all KNOW about it now. Stop doing it on every single TV show you go on) but Black Eyed Peas taking a classic like Dirty Dancing's Time of My Life only to RUIN it? I, for one, was shocked. 

Best Thighs

Rihanna

Just wow. Well deserved winner of that award I say. And on that note, the alternative Brit Awards of 2011 are over (because the proper one is about to start on ITV). Ta ta.

The Tourist: Review of a Terrible Film

If I were on my death bed today, racked with the effort to breathe as I wiped the bloodied phlegm from my dry, parched lips, I would clasp your hand in mine, look deep into your eyes and say "Whatever you do in life... promise me one thing... don't watch The Tourist."

It is a film that tried so hard to be a classic that it has become a classic rotten tomato; a film to be sneered and tittered at in general discussions about the worst films you have seen recently. "Just what were they thinking?" becomes a typical phrase during the discussion... and gives you pause for thought. Just what were Johnny Depp: Burton's quirky golden boy and all round brilliant actor, and  Angelina Jolie: sex goddess with the ability to be excellent (albeit a little shouty) thinking? Maybe it was a movie that looked good on paper. Maybe the foreign locations and mistaken identity / not mistaken identity / is he isn't he? storyline looked like the sort of movie that would go down in the ages as a modern champion to mingle with the golden greats. Except it didn't. It bombed.

"Three double cheeseburgers, one large fries and a chocolate milkshake, thanks."

The Tourist is the story of Elise (Jolie) and Frank (Depp) and their meeting on a train to Venice. Elise is being followed by Scotland Yard who are after her lover Alexander who has evaded tax payments and owes a gangster millions. She is given specific instructions to get on a train to Venice by Alexander and to pick someone out who has the same build and height as him as a way to fool the police. Except, oops! One of the police officers is a bit dodgy and passes on Frank's photo to the mob. Cue lots of running around, jumping off buildings, shoot outs on boats and so on. Frank is told he is part of a plan to save Alexander, but his attraction to Elise won't let him leave her and he frequently gets in the way of undercover operations, much to the chagrin of the police. Eventually the mob catches up with Elise, who it turns out is part of the police force, and her life is put in danger as she is forced to open Alexander's safe. Frank goes in to distract the mob while the police take aim and shoot the gangsters. The police are told Alexander is by the pier so go arrest him. With Elise and Frank alone, Frank opens the safe and takes out the millions that were in there... leaving a cheque for the money he owes in tax. Yes, Frank was Alexander all along, and the other guy who everyone thought was Alexander was "just a tourist". Quelle surprise. The two set sail on a boat together, with Elise asking "Twenty million dollars worth of plastic surgery and that's the face you choose?" before telling him "It will do." I would have found this moment much more entertaining and the vast amount of money spent on a face more believable if Frank had been played by Mickey Rourke or Sly Stallone.

"Leave it Ange, she 'int werf it."

One of the main problems while watching The Tourist was the strain it put on your ears. There is constant disneyfied, swooping music in the background that makes it seem like Frank and Elise have a full orchestra trailing behind them everywhere they go. Worse still was when Elise burnt the letter she received off Frank and walked away from the scene as the police raced to save evidence. The music went from swoopy to cheesy electro. It was horrid. Another issue is the distinct lack of chemistry between the two main actors. It's Depp and Jolie, two of the most beautiful people in the world! Looking into their eyes is like seeing a sunrise or going on a hot air balloon over Africa for the first time for Christ's sake. If they can't have a fizzle of chemistry then what hope is their for the rest of us? I also found it a massive shame that Maths teacher Frank was downplayed so much by Depp that he was almost invisible. He seemed to bumble through the film like a ghost. And don't get me started on the "high-tech" gadgets used by the police to lazily force the storyline along. It's a shame that The Tourist didn't work out because the Venice setting was beautiful and the actors were beautiful... but the script was one ugly frothy mess that left you feeling very let down at the end. Depp and Jolie, we expected more.

Catcher in the Rye Review

So I sort of started reading this book the other day. It was by some guy called JD Salinger who had only gone and written about teenage angst in the 50s. I mean, the book was great and all, but every so often the confessional, colloquial, stream of consciousness style of writing could get a little annoying. The protagonist was this great kid called Holden Caulfield, you'd like him if you ever met him. Not much happens in the book, it's sort of mainly about Caulfield's feelings - and boy, does that kid have god damn feelings. He has so many god damn feelings that he fails classes (again) and is about to get kicked out of school. The only subject he passes is English. Knowing he has to leave Pencey and all of it's phonies anyway, he leaves after a fight with his room-mate and goes on a weekend of adventure in New York.

The trouble with old Caulfield, though, is that he is just too god damn sensitive to enjoy himself. He is too wrapped up in his own thoughts about where the ducks go in winter, or about his deceased brother Allie and the repercussions of that death on his family to really enjoy or succeed in anything. He happily admits to lying to make himself appear more interesting, and frequently uses different names for himself to the dubious characters he meets. He feels alienated from everyone around him and wants to be someone more exciting than old Holden Caulfield, the grieving kid who lies a lot, flunks classes and annoys girls with his overbearing cynicism. Caulfield's heroes in the book are his dead younger brother Allie, his mildly eccentric yet incredibly perceptive younger sister Phoebe and his older brother: the talented Hollywood "prostitute" writer DB. Once his dough runs out Caulfield breaks into his own home and wakes up old Phoebe. The two have a talk and Phoebe is sore with him for failing school again. She angrily tells him that he doesn't like anything and has no direction. It is then that he tells her that he wants to be the catcher in the rye, someone who saves children from falling into adulthood. He wishes to catch them and return them to innocence. What he doesn't realise is that he has misheard Robert Burns' Comin' Through the Rye poem and that there is no hero that saves. He also doesn't realise it will be Phoebe who will save him from his breakdown by getting him to return home, admit he has problems and get the help he needs.

The Catcher in the Rye was a book written for adults which explained to them the gap between childhood and adulthood. At the time the book was written teenage angst was something ignored and barely seen out of the corner of a parents eye. To most families it didn't exist and wasn't understood, but old JD understood alright. He wrote a book that became a god damn best seller he understood so god damn well. The book became popular with teenagers the world over who have learnt that having doubts is OK and being lost for a while is OK too because, just like those ducks in winter, you will eventually make it back to the place you want to be.

The Black Swan: Review

In Black Swan, the movie that everyone is talking about, Natalie Portman gives the performance of her career as lost little girl Nina; a woman-child with an obsessive personality. Nina is obsessed with perfection, whether that be her body or her ballet performances. It appears throughout the film that she does not even seem to enjoy ballet, unlike sexy strumpet and all round free spirit Lily who flows with the music and embraces the sensuality of dance. The dichotomy between the virginal Nina and the charismatic, sexual Lily is in obvious (to the extent of slightly heavy handed) comparison to the white and black swan in the New York City ballet company's up-coming play Swan Lake. The last Swan Queen (played by the excellent Winona Ryder) has been pushed out of the company for fresher meat, much to her embittered chagrin. To save the role of Swan Queen from the clutches of manipulative Lily Nina must embrace her dark side, let out her neuroses and latent psychotic behaviour and transform before our eyes into the black swan.

The gripping melodrama and pyscho-horror of Black Swan is intensified by Darren Aronofsky's use of New York City's tall buildings, shadowed alleys and darkened rooms. In fact the whole movie seems to be shrouded in darkness which becomes increasingly noticeable and more claustrophobic as the film races to it's tragic end. Not only does Nina have to cope with the back stabbing Lily and the attempts at seduction from sleazy yet talented director Thomas, she also has a resentful Mother who became pregnant during a relatively unsuccessful ballet career and is now forcing her lost dreams onto her fragile daughter. Their turbulent relationship is based on the mother's controlling and possessive behaviour and the underlying resentment on both parts.

Her Mother is aware of Nina's self harming and uses it as a weapon in arguments, not realising that her daughter wouldn't be such a perfectionist if it were not for her mother's demands. The moments throughout the film that Nina does harm herself are always seen in the aftermath of one of her disturbing fantasies. Her back is continuously scratched at, almost a nervous tic, and the skin is peeling off around her nails (a sign of possible anorexia). Nina is growing up and wishes to be rid of her infantile bedroom with it's teddy bears and pink wallpaper; she wants to spread her wings from her mother's disciplinarian nest but is not mentally strong enough to do so. This is why Lily's knock on the door, during yet another battle for power, is an opportunity for Nina to escape and rebel from her regimented life.

The two go out, take drugs, drink alcohol and dance freely without need to watch another to learn the moves to perfection. Nina ends up having sex in a nastily lit toilet with a man she barely knows. It is at that moment that the drugs wear off and she tries to escape the long and thin corridors in the club, only to go outside to the claustrophobic streets of Manhattan. There is no escape for Nina from her inner or outer turmoil and the two girls head home for a night of passion. In the morning Nina wakes alone and realises she is late for ballet practice; Lily had not woken her up in an attempt to sabotage Nina's opportunity as the Swan Queen. Nina arrives late to see Lily has stepped in to fill her role. She is ready to fight her enemy but Lily's faux innocence, confused face and mocking denial of staying the night is confusing both for Nina and for the audience. Having already seen the psychotic fantasies that Nina is prone to it does make us question whether Lily truly is trying to overthrow her friend.

The film continues with visual imagery of Nina's metamorphosis. She imagines her legs snapping, her toes webbing and the scratch on her back starts to grow wings out of it. Mirrors are also used to show her mental instability and Nina begins to believe that her reflection is still watching her when she is no longer looking at herself. On opening night Lily is seen groping one of the male dancers who proceeds to come on stage with Nina and drops her in front of the audience. The treachery of Lily is clear and in the intermission she finds her enemy in the dressing room. The two fight, a mirror is broken and as Lily strangles Nina, Nina stabs her in self defence then hides the body in the shower. Having fully embraced her dark side Nina goes back on stage to give the performance of her life.

In the second interval Nina is praised for her brilliance but she is distracted and races to her room to find blood coming out from beneath the shower door. She puts a towel over the blood to cover it after hearing a knock at the door. It is an impressed and apologetic Lily who praises Nina. Nina shuts the door on her and turns to the shower. It is empty! She looks down at her stomach and sees the blood seeping out. Holding a hand over her wound, she weeps quietly before being called back on stage for the final scene. As the white swan waves to her audience and throws herself into the abyss of death the crowd goes wild. Thomas runs to her and praises Nina for becoming immersed in the role. He notices the blood and her shallow breathing and calls for an ambulance. Nina smiles at him and says "I felt it... It was perfect.... I was perfect."

As far as twisted horror movies go this is the best you will see all year. It is dark, disturbing, at times deranged but definitely something fresh to see at the cinema. Black Swan is a visual treat that grips you from beginning to end (with the added bonus of seeing the incredibly stunning Mila Kunis put her head between Natalie Portman's thighs). At times the boxed in, shadowed surroundings can get a bit much for the viewer but there won't be another film in the psycho-horror genre that excels on all levels like this does for a while.

Fortress Review

"Welcome to the fortress, it's a world of pain." sang Guns and Roses in the 2017 version of classic tune Welcome to the Jungle... or maybe they didn't, but they should have because it would have had jangly relevance to the over-populated future world that has been created by director Stuart Gordon. Fortress tells the story of protagonist John Brennick and his wife Karen. There are new laws created to control the over-flowing population which John and Karen have broken. That's right, they are "God damn breeders" who try to cross the border to safety while Karen is pregnant with their second child; but they are caught by the under-sexed and over-brainwashed soldiers who send them to (dramatic music please Maestro) the fortress.

Throughout Fortress there is a heavy handed dollop of dehumaization that gets on the verge of tiresome. The men are separated from their wives and have to stand in a cattle cart until they reach a giant hole in the middle of the desert that is the fortress. They must then remove wedding rings and any sentimental signs of a past life, strip and put on orange uniforms with bar codes, are given numbers for names and are punished for disobedience / having an opinion. They are to become drones, slaving away in the day and sharing five to a cell in the night. The only problem is John Brennick ain't no drone (thank the Lord, I don't think I could handle any more scenes of OTT prisoner oppression).

The men are quickly shown just what happens if you don't behave or try to escape in the fortress. They are told "Crime does not pay" and any crime or disobedience results in setting off the Intestinator: a small, explosive object that is swallowed by every prisoner when they enter the fortress that causes agony or death depending on the severity of the crime. A nervous man starts to freak out at the excessive rules of the Men-Tel corporation. He is warned not to try to escape or to go over the yellow lines (which mean pain) or the red lines (which mean death). The man panics and runs, causing his stomach to explode. Just how will our hero escape?

A typical trait of the prison genre is having cell mates with skills or brawn to help aid the storyline along. Fortress is no exception and John Brennick is put in a cell with a computer geek who can give the automated sophistication of Men-Tel a run for it's money and a brawny guy who, after letting his buddy "187" rape Mexican prisoner Gomez, becomes a good chum to the gang and a great bullet proof jacket when they try to escape. It results in his death but hey, that's karma. Brennick not only has the prospect of agonising death as a reason to escape, his wife has been chosen to live with the director of Men-Tel: a half man half robot who has amino acids injected into himself once a month as a way of eating and who has emotions yet can not have sex. The director is lonely and invades the men's subconscious to watch their frequent fantasies of making love to women in mouth-open fascination. That is, of course, before the all seeing computer and all round mega-bitch warns him that he must punish the men for having personal thoughts. It is then we realise that this man is to be the downfall of Men-Tel. He is not enough of a robot to be completely controlled and to not yearn for love but is not enough of a man to please any woman or make them fall in love with him.

There is a lot of violence and gore in Fortress that nearly always involves our protagonist. This shows us John's battle for his individuality, human rights and his morals. There is the fight to defend Gomez from rape and the gladiatorial battle to the death with 187 to save himself and his friend from being killed. When 187 is at Brennick's mercy he is told by Men-Tel to kill the prisoner, but he refuses and helps 187 to his feet. As punishment for showing humanity he has to watch 187 be inestinated before being taken to isolation. What follows isolation is the mind wiping room. Fortress had a modest budget but the use of costumes and set is used to full effect. The mind wiping room in particular has a shining futuristic torture device, checkered floor and minimal props. During his mind wipe the movie takes a psychedelic and metaphorical turn (well as psychedelic and metaphorical as technology in the early 90s allows) as the trip takes John through his past as a pilot, his wedding day and then into disturbingly flashy and spinning sights of snakes in cradles, a foetus in a jar and the gouging out of John's own eyes. The mind wipe leaves John a drooling mess but once Karen has drugged the Director she breaks into the computer system and into John's mind where there is a tres film noir moment. John's subconscious is in black and white, he has regressed to childhood and is trapped down a well. Karen must draw him out of his psychological hell and reaches her hand out to boy John who slowly changes to John the man. Deep.

With John back from his mind coma the cell mates plan their escape and remove their intestinators. Once this is done they work their way up to the Director's floor to try and save Karen. They get found in the pipes and are told to give themselves up. What follows is an impressive gun fight between man and robot. Karen, meanwhile, tries to kill the Director by stabbing him as he strangles Brennick's

Gomez, John and Karen escape in a truck and stop at a barn so Karen can give birth in safety. But what's this? A truck controlled by Men-Tel? It flattens Gomez and has a fight to the death with John who blows it up with his robot gun before racing back to his wife who has given birth. The film ends with the couple smiling with joy at their baby while surrounded by lush, green nature and wide open spaces to symbolise their freedom. Or something in your face like that. Overall Fortress is an above average action movie that gives pause for thought about our future in a populated world. It's no Escape From New York granted, but for a budgeted prison movie with a bit of a brain (with the lovely bonus of the wonderfully whispering and perfectly pensive Christopher Lambert) what more could you want?

Idle Writing Hands

Picture the scene: a gaggle of writers smoke some pot together while trying to come up with a genre mixing, fresh and satirical horror-comedy movie. They spend some time throwing ideas back and forth (such as Vampire Playboy Bunnies or Cujo Crufts) and come up with the seemingly brilliant idea of a hand that becomes possessed by Satan, goes on a killing spree, gets chopped from the body it is connected to but magically carries on killing... only to be destroyed by a priestess warrior. Sounds hilarious, right?

Idle Hands is the story of Anton Tobias (Final Destination's Devon Sawa): a lazy college drop-out with no aspirations other than getting high with his equally idle friends and watching TV. Indeed, Anton is so lazy he does not notice that his parents have been dead for two days, their faces hidden inside carved out pumpkin heads in his lounge. He also doesn't realise that he is the one that killed them. It is while making a sandwich with a blood spattered knife that something in his weed-addled mind twigs that something is afoot. What follows is a mass of horror parodies and tributes as Anton races to hide in his parents bed only to see "I'm under the bed" written on the ceiling. He runs back downstairs, dog in tow, only to trip on his plastic sword and fall into the mannequins with the pumpkin heads by the front door, except they're not mannequins! They're his murdered parents! D'oh!

Anton runs outside (he does A LOT of running and gesticulating throughout this film) to see his two stoner friends coming round to hang out. Slowly the three pick up the obvious clues around the house, such as the fabric from Anton's t-shirt in his mother's hand and the word "Ant" written on the floor in blood:

Pnub:"Ant?" They-they were killed by ants? 
Mick: [annoyed] Please don't be stupid. 
[to Anton] 
Mick: Do you have, like, an evil aunt? 


Anton voice changes to a manic pleading as he tries to explain himself to his friends. Mick nervously offers Anton a beer to chill him out, only to get a glass bottle to the brain. Pnub tries to escape but gets his head chopped off in the basement. You would think that would be the end of the weed loving trio, but no. Not only does Idle Hands steal from the slasher, serial killer and possession genres... it also snaffles from the trough of the zombies. And a good job too. One of the saving graces of this film is the geeky one liners from Seth Green. One cracker is him telling Anton that him and Pnub didn't go to heaven because it was too far to walk. Another is the typical teenage boy chit-chat between the three best friends. Without both the film would be a complete waste.

The heavy handed gross out satire continues with Anton throwing his cat out of the window then trying to kill completely unrealistic love interest Molly (Jessica Alba plays vixen that chases shy, lazy stoner boy with a psychotic hand in one of her earliest and easiest of roles: "What's that director? Less clothes, more flirting? You're the boss!") while they make out. He then chops his hand off as his zombie friends watch and they all think that, finally, will be the end of this hands murderous rampage... but that is not the case. The hand is still very much alive and possessed. Egads. Thankfully, Debi (played by Vivica A. Fox) gets on the Satan hunting trail and is on her way to save the day. She's been following the news stories of random killings around America and, being a stereotypically black priestess warrior with attitude in a teen scream horror film, she knows "There is evil out there, and I'm gonna kick its ass!"

With one hand freshly chopped and supposedly dead after being microwaved, Anton welds his wound shut with an iron and is about to go to the ball with Molly. What he soon realises is that his hand is still possessed and is coming after his love interest. That is, of course, after it cops come boob as two teenagers make out in a car and crawls up the headmasters leg as he talks dirty on a sex line. It truly is testament to the hand acting of Christopher Hart (Thing in the Addams Family movies) as we allow ourselves to be taken in by the silliness of a murderous hand in this movie. Debi gets on the scene with Randy the trucker close behind. She tries to kill Anton to save the world and Randy wants his blood for stealing his truck (that seems to eternally play Motley Crue). Once they realise it is the hand that is dangerous they all race to kill the hand and save Molly (who has managed to get tied to the top of a car by one single hand) before it is too late. 

The hand has placed itself inside the body of an evil toy that is moving the lever up so Molly will get crushed between the ceiling and the car. I'm on the edge of my seat now, just how will they save her? Using one of the few weapons they have, the trio get the hand so high on weed (err, how does a hand get high?) that it lets go of the lever, allowing Molly to be saved by Anton. There is a great moral for us all to take on board as the boys realise - more than ever - the importance of pot and its ability to "save an otherwise disastrous day." Wow. Debi throws her priestess knife at the hand which is finally killed and free of possession. Everybody's happy! That is, everyone except Anton who stupidly gets crushed underneath the car Molly was tied to. 

The angels make a return and Pnub and Mick decide that yes, they actually can be bothered to walk to heaven but Anton, given the choice between life and death, chooses a long stretch in hospital to be with Molly. So in this little bundle of fun you get a gross out comedy spoof, a mixture of horror genres and a love story. What more could you need? Well. How about a story that hasn't given too many nods and homages to other movies and has therefore kept some element of originality to it? Don't get me wrong, Idle Hands does have its funny moments and has great use of special and make-up effects but overall it spends too much time reminding you of something else to make you remember anything about it after watching.

Crank 2: High Voltage

If a friend of yours has recently seen Crank 2: High Voltage it is highly likely they have given you their opinion. It is a film that demands the viewer to take a vote for or against it. My sister’s boyfriend walked into my lounge a while ago and said, quite dour faced, “Have you seen Crank 2? It’s awful. I kept watching and watching but it just didn’t get better.” My brother took this moment to butt in and said “It’s hilarious. Don’t take it seriously and it’s really good.” Sadly he is seventeen and only interested in boobs and explosions rather than improving his vocabulary. My sister’s boyfriend, meanwhile, is a 24 year old interested in gadgets, film plots and special effects.  Even to this day he gets angry about the “appalling” iceberg in Titanic that “ruined the whole film”.

So with two differing opinions in mind I decided it was time to watch this film, if only to make them shut up about it.

Crank 2: High Voltage starts as the last film ended, with the famously foul mouthed Chev Chelios (played by Jason “I’m a fucking Londoner mate. My family aren’t from Great Fucking Yarmouth” Statham) falling through the air and landing hard on the concrete ground. One would assume he is dead, as any human being would be in the same situation. Hell no though, not Chev. In this action packed, adrenaline fuelled testosterone fest anything is possible. Chelios is literally scraped off the ground and thrown into the back of a black van where he is taken to a cliché bunch of token oriental bad guys who take out his heart and replace it with a battery operated one. You would think that such an intensive operation would kill you or at the very least demand bed rest for weeks, but once Chev sees the organ he’s about to lose next he’s up and kicking ass.

When out of his hospital bed Chelios weakens in stamina dramatically and realises that his battery operated heart needs electricity to keep it pumping. Cue many imaginative ways to get electricity to his heart, including rubbing up against an old lady to gain friction and getting tazored by cops. This constant need to gain energy and the hunt for heart stealing villain Johnny Vang gives the film a shoot-em-up computer game quality.

At this point I will take a moment to explain that throughout the film there is a blatant and indulgent obsession with la derriere. Chelios has his, ahem, temperature taken in the hospital, there is the shot gun scene where petrol oil is used as lube and (lest we forget) there is of course the constant close ups of women’s buttocks in tight panties whether in public, a brothel or a lap dancing bar. The latter being the place Amy Smart, Chelios’ girlfriend from Crank 1, makes her return.

Once Chelios knows it is Johnny Vang who has his heart there is a race against time to get it back before the battery pack runs out. But what Chelios doesn’t realise is that Johnny Vang isn’t alone in wanting a piece of “the famous Chelios heart” action, and that the Triads are also against him. No one really understands why. It merely gives the directors an excuse to include more gun fights and sadistic scenes that involve nipples and elbows being chopped off with machetes. The first fight with the Triad’s is in the lap dancing bar, for the young male watchers delectation, and involves lots of gorgeous topless girls with guns getting shot; one girl amusingly gets hit in her silicone breasts which bleed gunk and shrivel. It is at this point, if the penny had not dropped sooner, that you realise just what sort of film you are letting yourself in for.

Chelios is reunited with Smart and the two get accosted by police officers. During the confrontation they make the fatal mistake of tazoring him and turning him into Pop-Eye. With the cops beaten into submission, Chelios steals a car and hunts down Johnny Vang in a horse racing stadium.  His heart is dying so a doctor advises gaining energy from the friction of others. This gives the directors a chance to throw back to the first film as Chelios has an over the top comedic sex marathon in public with his girlfriend once again. 

Any normal man would want to sleep after coitus, but not the extremely masculine and testosterone fuelled Chelios. His shag session gives him the energy to chase after Vang and the two have a Godzilla style battle to the death that involves them being portrayed as puppets while wearing masks (don’t ask, it has to be seen to be believed). The film ends with Chelios on fire giving the finger. It is a perfect way to finish a brainless, adrenaline fuelled, non-stop action film that is bound to have a cult following.  Also if the credits are watched Chelios is seen recuperating while covered in bandages. Crank 3 on its way perhaps? Seventeen year old boys can only hope.

Darkly Repeating Dexter

It would appear that the writers of Dexter are following the old adage of "If it ain't broke don't fix it." and for now that rule of thumb appears to be working for them, but for how much longer?

Series five of Dexter began where the last series ended: with Rita in the bath tub, the last murder victim of the serial killer Trinity. Dexter remains numb and impassive, in the shock stage of grief, as those around him worry for his sanity. That is everyone except Quinn who becomes the new token "suspicious of Dexter" guy (remember Doakes?) and hires shamed, sleazy cop Liddy to find out all he can about our favorite serial killer. Debs, of course, then gets close to Quinn so she can be let down once again by a guy she felt she could love and trust (remember Rudy?).

The series continues in this overly familiar way, yet still manages to sustain our interest with it's cliffhangers and beautifully textured characters. No character is merely good or bad and every single one of them has weaknesses, faults and endearing qualities to either frustrate or make us realise we do like them after all. Take Laguerta as an example. She cares more for what the press thinks of her than her the police force she is in charge of; leaving even Batista, her own husband, taking second place to her pride. She uses Deb as a scapegoat for her own mistakes in the Fuentes shoot out and refuses to open a closed case because it will look bad to her detective skills. But still, she manages to save herself from our hatred by re-opening the case, taking Debs off her punishment of filing duty and also gets the clause to prevent Jordan Chase (the new token bad guy played by Johnny Lee Miller) from leaving the country.

The past four series gave us The Ice Truck Killer, The Bay Harbour Butcher, Miguel and Trinity. There has always been a serial killer for Dexter to either hunt down or get close to emotionally and this series is no exception. There is one slight difference though, this time it is four men who rape and murder women under the watchful eye of motivational speaker Jordan Chase. The men are all best friends from school and have killed twelve women over a period of fifteen years. It would be thirteen but Dexter notices blood in a lorry he wants to use for moving house and the blood leads him to Boyd Fowler. Dexter finds the bodies and the locks of hair that Boyd kept as trophies which is enough proof for him to kill Boyd as a hidden Lumen Pierce (played by the brilliant Julia Stiles) watches.

When Dexter finds Lumen he must battle with Harry's code and his own small amount of humility. Can he really keep someone alive who has seen exactly who he is? Deep down, Dexter is just as shattered by his traumatic experience with Trinity as Lumen is with Chase and his closest friends and the two become close over their losses. For a serial killer with little need for emotional connections Dexter doesn't do too badly on the romantic front. There was of course Rita the fragile and damaged wife, Lila the arsonist artist and now Lumen the gang rape survivor. He also had a close friendship with Miguel, the lawyer cum serial killer who didn't know when to stop. It is a great way of humanising Dexter by giving him a companion, but at the same time makes us question how many times can he keep showing this part of himself to people before his luck runs out?

Lumen and Dexter become the new serial killing duo on the streets of Miami and successfully take down all of  Jordan Chase's men, remaining a mere few steps ahead of the police force Dexter works for the whole time. But there is a problem, someone has bugged Dexter's apartment using the incredibly scrumptious baby Harrison's walkie talkie, and has seen the two planning their kills. The observer in question is Stan Liddy: a sleazy, disgraced ex cop with a grudge against Laguerta and a desire to get back on the police force. Quinn (played by a worryingly thin Desmond Harrington) paid Liddy to look into Dexter, but as he got closer to Deb he lost interest in the case. Liddy didn't, knowing he was on to something big. It takes a battle to the death for Dexter to save him and Lumen from the electric chair, but Quinn has been told to come to Liddy's van and gets blood on his shoes. Will Dexter save Quinn or let him go down for a murder he didn't commit?

The series continues with Dexter and Lumen and also the Miami police department battering down the wall that surrounds world famous Jordan Chase: a control freak who doesn't like his cage to be rattled. Knowing his time is running out, Chase plans a European tour in an attempt to flee the country. Debs has a clause preventing him from leaving but Chase hasn't shown up at the airport, he's been too busy kidnapping Lumen. Dexter is again in trouble as he crashes his car at the hideout where Chase and his men's obsession with rape and murder began. Could it be the end for him and Lumen? Of course not! The two kill him, not realising Deb is on the way to the camp site. She finds the body of Jordan Chase and notices the silhouettes of Lumen and Dexter behind a wall of sheets. She can not tell who they are, but has been deeply affected by the DVDs of the rapes the men kept and allows the two to escape.

With the body parts of Jordan Chase thrown into the sea Lumen can finally be released from her demons. Sadly this also means the end of her relationship with Dexter (talk about use and abuse!) who she feels she can not be with any more because he is still carrying his dark passenger. The series was a slow starter, but quickly grew more exciting and kept it's audience on edge throughout. There is definite need for a few kinks in the plot next time though to prevent the series from getting as stagnant as one of of Dexter's bags in the bottom of the ocean.