A lesson in lesbian online dating

Hands in the air: I'm kinda drunk right now, so bear with me.

I met my bro for a couple of drinks and the subject of dating naturally came up, what with us both being single, attractive and moderately decent human beings (if you ignore our hatred of 99 per cent of the squealing, excitable, false, arrogant and frankly bizarre women that we witness in bars every week).

"Hey Ben, I'm writing a blog on dating."

"Maybe wait til your sober?"

"Nah, what's thw worst that can happen?"

So our discussion came down to POF, aka Plenty of Fish, an online dating/hook-up site that we both use to meet potential suitors that will, with our hopes at the top level, love us despite of or even for our quirks,will be our best mate who has amazing sex with us and is ultimately awesome so we can love them too, despite our fears of being hurt etc., or, with our hopes at the bottom level, offer us intelligent and witty banter, amazing sex, and fun dates for a couple of months (or in my brothers case, a couple of hours). Does this ever happen? VERY VERY  RARELY. And why doesn't it ever happen? Is it because no girls are interested? NO. Is it because girls are fucking crazy? In a nutshell: YES.

In a recent article I spoke about part one of my year of being single, which mainly involved a barely-serious rebound with a girl and the intense feelings of a girl called Hazel. The plus side to both of these women, despite their obvious differences in interests, looks and social abilities in the crazy world of dating, was that they both made it clear that they were INTERESTED. Yeah, Hazel attempted to give me herpes; yeah, she frightened the life out of me during our date, but she showed she was keen, right!?

Same with Caroline, I knew she liked me. I knew I liked her. I knew we were both in pain but regardless of that we enjoyed each others company, we had chemistry and we liked each other. Things were fairly simple, despite the obvious.... distractions towards ghosts of our pasts. But since... I don't know... October WHAT THE FUCK LESBIANS?!

I have had to avoid the same lesbian friend due to two horribly-cringe experiences for a period of a month or so each time. One involved her giving me the most awkward massage of my life in a gay bar; I didn't ask for it and I didn't want it, but she gave me it anyway. At one point she commented on how tense I was during this over-jacket-molestation, to which I said "Yes, because I don't like people touching me like that if they're not my girlfriend." This is true. The thought of someone even standing near me if I don't know them freaks me the Hell out. Following the knot-inducing massage, she later tried to kiss me, and even though I made it clear to her I wasn't interested by A) not kissing her back! and B) Not meeting up with her for a month or so, she still was the gift that kept on giving. Regarde:

(I won't name names, lets call her Shamone) Shamone: I am having such a hard time with this girl I have had sex with a couple of times and really like. I was seeing her when she had a girlfriend but she broke up with her because she was having sex with me; but then went to stay over at a girls house who she met off POF to watch films and now they call each other lots and hang out all the time and I don't know what to do. I asked her about it  and she said she kinda likes POF movie night girl and kinda likes me so I asked her out on a date and she said she couldn't because she was seeing this POF movie girl and I was so jealous. She then asked for a lift to meet this girl so I drove her half the half an hour journey and she didn't even pay me any money! I just really like her so much (because she is clearly such a brilliant person to have in your life. Wow.). By the way, are you free next Saturday? I thought we could have that date we have talked about, but have it at the local gay bar where this girl is gonna be with the POF film over night girl, what do you say?"

I say: CLICK: OFFLINE.

But what do I really want to say? How about: "How did we come to this? Where we sacrifice our friendships to get laid by skanks? Where we sacrifice our own honour and ethics for our own ego, so we can be the one these awful women choose? Shamone, you don't give a fuck about me, and what the fuck? We never discussed a date! I am so mad right now and hurt that you would treat me this way. Like a piece of relatively good looking meat to make some other girl jealous? Is my soul worth that? Is our friendship worth that to you? Do I mean so little that I am just an exterior?!"

So yeah, I mean, that story wasn't relevant to my point at stumbling at the first hurdle. Well, it is for Shamone and her skank I guess, but I was a mere pawn in that scab pile cesspit of poor behaviour.

I have stumbled at the first hurdle a few times, or even managed to get over the first hurdle, only to stagger a little, try desperately to keep running and ultimately end up bloody kneed and bashed on the floor, alone and bewildered. This is what happened with the police officer. We chatted online for a while, then she asked me out for dinner and I happily obliged despite her inability to converse properly online. Most conversations complimented me on my good sense of humour, with little banter back, but she was stunning and had a cool job.

So that weekend I was in a four star hotel in London that I got an amazing deal on and I was running late so the police officer offered to come to me. I gave her my room number, carried on getting ready and a few hours later there was a knock on the door. She was so beautiful. I still remember this really cute smile she did over something I said before we went to get food. We were flirting on the way, linking arms and teasing each other and play fighting and we chatted away in a bar in Earls Court. Before we knew it it was pretty late and I told her if she needed to stay with me because of tubes or whatever she could and I wouldn't try it on, so she did. Her profile was beautiful, as she lay there, semi smiling with her eyes closed and waiting for me to kiss her.*sigh*

So... what do you think happened next guys? After we spent the night making out and even kissing our way to the hotel door as we said our goodbyes and ,made promises to see each other soon and sent texts all day and for the next few weeks saying how amazing we thought each other was? What do you think happened?

"What DID happen next???"

I have not seen that girl since in the flesh. Just the odd Facebook update, and do you know why? Because I don't. We went from texting all the time, to nothing. Its not a big deal, in the big scheme of things, but she said she really liked me and gave me a really positive vibe, then she just disappeared. What the fuck is that?

So after a few weeks of expecting something to somehow develop in a hell hole of disappointment, I moved on to Daniella, an attractive, opinionated but ultimately weak strumpet who rang me every other day and flirted with me all the time only to stand me up on the day of our date because she met a 'straight' girl the day before who she was unsure about but thought she would give it a go. Things went well on that date for them, meanwhile I was left feeling like a dick by some toxic lesbian who had the audacity to say: "You shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, you should be more like me and have more options open, but if things dont work out with me and (thinks of name to make up for sake of politeness) Dickmouth can I give you a call?"

"Errrrrrrr...... NO."

I naturally left her and Dickmouth to it; hurt, yet smug in the knowledge that they were clearly doomed. Three months later I got a call from Daniella, and it was back like old times. She was flirty, charming and witty, while also hurt and angry at the behaviour of Dickmouth, who was secretly messaging men on Facebook and flirting with men in bars. They were rarely having sex, bickering all the time and generally making one another miserable. So, from this, did Daniella take her chance at potential happiness with me? NO. Partly because I laughed at her downfall when she told me about it, partly because I admitted I was cautious at giving her any benefit of the doubt after her previous shitty behaviour, and partly because her egotism made her want to keep trying to be better than Dickmouth's desire for dick. Once again, and for the final time, Daniella let me down. Seriously, what the Hell?

After those two experiences I felt I needed some time out... and I am kinda drunk so its hard to remember what happened next. I did meet a girl at some point in Norwich who was nice enough and fun to talk to, save for when she was bitching about her parents. She ruined it by saying she had to be home by seven because her parents would be mad. FYI, she was 24.

There is also the story of coke girl. But I cant do that right now. I'm sorry.

"And the ones that aren't emotionally spasticated, that would be awesome. Thanks."

Another prime example of the weird behaviour of single people is Text Girl, who has been messaging my brother for weeks and telling him where she is on nights out, so he shows up and she ignores him. When he leaves she texts saying he should have stayed so they could go somewhere together. With this at the back of his mind, he goes to the next place she tells him she is at at a later date, only for her to ignore him again. What is the point in this behaviour?? Why do girls treat people this way? Is it that they just aren't into you? Or is it more that they frequently tend to have some sort of emotional relationship going on with an ex that they cant quite let go of yet, so they instead string along someone else as a distraction? Or is it all that so many women are just absolutely insane?

Still.... when disheartened and blue, there is always Michelle Jenneke to look at. <3