Fortress Review

"Welcome to the fortress, it's a world of pain." sang Guns and Roses in the 2017 version of classic tune Welcome to the Jungle... or maybe they didn't, but they should have because it would have had jangly relevance to the over-populated future world that has been created by director Stuart Gordon. Fortress tells the story of protagonist John Brennick and his wife Karen. There are new laws created to control the over-flowing population which John and Karen have broken. That's right, they are "God damn breeders" who try to cross the border to safety while Karen is pregnant with their second child; but they are caught by the under-sexed and over-brainwashed soldiers who send them to (dramatic music please Maestro) the fortress.

Throughout Fortress there is a heavy handed dollop of dehumaization that gets on the verge of tiresome. The men are separated from their wives and have to stand in a cattle cart until they reach a giant hole in the middle of the desert that is the fortress. They must then remove wedding rings and any sentimental signs of a past life, strip and put on orange uniforms with bar codes, are given numbers for names and are punished for disobedience / having an opinion. They are to become drones, slaving away in the day and sharing five to a cell in the night. The only problem is John Brennick ain't no drone (thank the Lord, I don't think I could handle any more scenes of OTT prisoner oppression).

The men are quickly shown just what happens if you don't behave or try to escape in the fortress. They are told "Crime does not pay" and any crime or disobedience results in setting off the Intestinator: a small, explosive object that is swallowed by every prisoner when they enter the fortress that causes agony or death depending on the severity of the crime. A nervous man starts to freak out at the excessive rules of the Men-Tel corporation. He is warned not to try to escape or to go over the yellow lines (which mean pain) or the red lines (which mean death). The man panics and runs, causing his stomach to explode. Just how will our hero escape?

A typical trait of the prison genre is having cell mates with skills or brawn to help aid the storyline along. Fortress is no exception and John Brennick is put in a cell with a computer geek who can give the automated sophistication of Men-Tel a run for it's money and a brawny guy who, after letting his buddy "187" rape Mexican prisoner Gomez, becomes a good chum to the gang and a great bullet proof jacket when they try to escape. It results in his death but hey, that's karma. Brennick not only has the prospect of agonising death as a reason to escape, his wife has been chosen to live with the director of Men-Tel: a half man half robot who has amino acids injected into himself once a month as a way of eating and who has emotions yet can not have sex. The director is lonely and invades the men's subconscious to watch their frequent fantasies of making love to women in mouth-open fascination. That is, of course, before the all seeing computer and all round mega-bitch warns him that he must punish the men for having personal thoughts. It is then we realise that this man is to be the downfall of Men-Tel. He is not enough of a robot to be completely controlled and to not yearn for love but is not enough of a man to please any woman or make them fall in love with him.

There is a lot of violence and gore in Fortress that nearly always involves our protagonist. This shows us John's battle for his individuality, human rights and his morals. There is the fight to defend Gomez from rape and the gladiatorial battle to the death with 187 to save himself and his friend from being killed. When 187 is at Brennick's mercy he is told by Men-Tel to kill the prisoner, but he refuses and helps 187 to his feet. As punishment for showing humanity he has to watch 187 be inestinated before being taken to isolation. What follows isolation is the mind wiping room. Fortress had a modest budget but the use of costumes and set is used to full effect. The mind wiping room in particular has a shining futuristic torture device, checkered floor and minimal props. During his mind wipe the movie takes a psychedelic and metaphorical turn (well as psychedelic and metaphorical as technology in the early 90s allows) as the trip takes John through his past as a pilot, his wedding day and then into disturbingly flashy and spinning sights of snakes in cradles, a foetus in a jar and the gouging out of John's own eyes. The mind wipe leaves John a drooling mess but once Karen has drugged the Director she breaks into the computer system and into John's mind where there is a tres film noir moment. John's subconscious is in black and white, he has regressed to childhood and is trapped down a well. Karen must draw him out of his psychological hell and reaches her hand out to boy John who slowly changes to John the man. Deep.

With John back from his mind coma the cell mates plan their escape and remove their intestinators. Once this is done they work their way up to the Director's floor to try and save Karen. They get found in the pipes and are told to give themselves up. What follows is an impressive gun fight between man and robot. Karen, meanwhile, tries to kill the Director by stabbing him as he strangles Brennick's

Gomez, John and Karen escape in a truck and stop at a barn so Karen can give birth in safety. But what's this? A truck controlled by Men-Tel? It flattens Gomez and has a fight to the death with John who blows it up with his robot gun before racing back to his wife who has given birth. The film ends with the couple smiling with joy at their baby while surrounded by lush, green nature and wide open spaces to symbolise their freedom. Or something in your face like that. Overall Fortress is an above average action movie that gives pause for thought about our future in a populated world. It's no Escape From New York granted, but for a budgeted prison movie with a bit of a brain (with the lovely bonus of the wonderfully whispering and perfectly pensive Christopher Lambert) what more could you want?

Idle Writing Hands

Picture the scene: a gaggle of writers smoke some pot together while trying to come up with a genre mixing, fresh and satirical horror-comedy movie. They spend some time throwing ideas back and forth (such as Vampire Playboy Bunnies or Cujo Crufts) and come up with the seemingly brilliant idea of a hand that becomes possessed by Satan, goes on a killing spree, gets chopped from the body it is connected to but magically carries on killing... only to be destroyed by a priestess warrior. Sounds hilarious, right?

Idle Hands is the story of Anton Tobias (Final Destination's Devon Sawa): a lazy college drop-out with no aspirations other than getting high with his equally idle friends and watching TV. Indeed, Anton is so lazy he does not notice that his parents have been dead for two days, their faces hidden inside carved out pumpkin heads in his lounge. He also doesn't realise that he is the one that killed them. It is while making a sandwich with a blood spattered knife that something in his weed-addled mind twigs that something is afoot. What follows is a mass of horror parodies and tributes as Anton races to hide in his parents bed only to see "I'm under the bed" written on the ceiling. He runs back downstairs, dog in tow, only to trip on his plastic sword and fall into the mannequins with the pumpkin heads by the front door, except they're not mannequins! They're his murdered parents! D'oh!

Anton runs outside (he does A LOT of running and gesticulating throughout this film) to see his two stoner friends coming round to hang out. Slowly the three pick up the obvious clues around the house, such as the fabric from Anton's t-shirt in his mother's hand and the word "Ant" written on the floor in blood:

Pnub:"Ant?" They-they were killed by ants? 
Mick: [annoyed] Please don't be stupid. 
[to Anton] 
Mick: Do you have, like, an evil aunt? 


Anton voice changes to a manic pleading as he tries to explain himself to his friends. Mick nervously offers Anton a beer to chill him out, only to get a glass bottle to the brain. Pnub tries to escape but gets his head chopped off in the basement. You would think that would be the end of the weed loving trio, but no. Not only does Idle Hands steal from the slasher, serial killer and possession genres... it also snaffles from the trough of the zombies. And a good job too. One of the saving graces of this film is the geeky one liners from Seth Green. One cracker is him telling Anton that him and Pnub didn't go to heaven because it was too far to walk. Another is the typical teenage boy chit-chat between the three best friends. Without both the film would be a complete waste.

The heavy handed gross out satire continues with Anton throwing his cat out of the window then trying to kill completely unrealistic love interest Molly (Jessica Alba plays vixen that chases shy, lazy stoner boy with a psychotic hand in one of her earliest and easiest of roles: "What's that director? Less clothes, more flirting? You're the boss!") while they make out. He then chops his hand off as his zombie friends watch and they all think that, finally, will be the end of this hands murderous rampage... but that is not the case. The hand is still very much alive and possessed. Egads. Thankfully, Debi (played by Vivica A. Fox) gets on the Satan hunting trail and is on her way to save the day. She's been following the news stories of random killings around America and, being a stereotypically black priestess warrior with attitude in a teen scream horror film, she knows "There is evil out there, and I'm gonna kick its ass!"

With one hand freshly chopped and supposedly dead after being microwaved, Anton welds his wound shut with an iron and is about to go to the ball with Molly. What he soon realises is that his hand is still possessed and is coming after his love interest. That is, of course, after it cops come boob as two teenagers make out in a car and crawls up the headmasters leg as he talks dirty on a sex line. It truly is testament to the hand acting of Christopher Hart (Thing in the Addams Family movies) as we allow ourselves to be taken in by the silliness of a murderous hand in this movie. Debi gets on the scene with Randy the trucker close behind. She tries to kill Anton to save the world and Randy wants his blood for stealing his truck (that seems to eternally play Motley Crue). Once they realise it is the hand that is dangerous they all race to kill the hand and save Molly (who has managed to get tied to the top of a car by one single hand) before it is too late. 

The hand has placed itself inside the body of an evil toy that is moving the lever up so Molly will get crushed between the ceiling and the car. I'm on the edge of my seat now, just how will they save her? Using one of the few weapons they have, the trio get the hand so high on weed (err, how does a hand get high?) that it lets go of the lever, allowing Molly to be saved by Anton. There is a great moral for us all to take on board as the boys realise - more than ever - the importance of pot and its ability to "save an otherwise disastrous day." Wow. Debi throws her priestess knife at the hand which is finally killed and free of possession. Everybody's happy! That is, everyone except Anton who stupidly gets crushed underneath the car Molly was tied to. 

The angels make a return and Pnub and Mick decide that yes, they actually can be bothered to walk to heaven but Anton, given the choice between life and death, chooses a long stretch in hospital to be with Molly. So in this little bundle of fun you get a gross out comedy spoof, a mixture of horror genres and a love story. What more could you need? Well. How about a story that hasn't given too many nods and homages to other movies and has therefore kept some element of originality to it? Don't get me wrong, Idle Hands does have its funny moments and has great use of special and make-up effects but overall it spends too much time reminding you of something else to make you remember anything about it after watching.

Crank 2: High Voltage

If a friend of yours has recently seen Crank 2: High Voltage it is highly likely they have given you their opinion. It is a film that demands the viewer to take a vote for or against it. My sister’s boyfriend walked into my lounge a while ago and said, quite dour faced, “Have you seen Crank 2? It’s awful. I kept watching and watching but it just didn’t get better.” My brother took this moment to butt in and said “It’s hilarious. Don’t take it seriously and it’s really good.” Sadly he is seventeen and only interested in boobs and explosions rather than improving his vocabulary. My sister’s boyfriend, meanwhile, is a 24 year old interested in gadgets, film plots and special effects.  Even to this day he gets angry about the “appalling” iceberg in Titanic that “ruined the whole film”.

So with two differing opinions in mind I decided it was time to watch this film, if only to make them shut up about it.

Crank 2: High Voltage starts as the last film ended, with the famously foul mouthed Chev Chelios (played by Jason “I’m a fucking Londoner mate. My family aren’t from Great Fucking Yarmouth” Statham) falling through the air and landing hard on the concrete ground. One would assume he is dead, as any human being would be in the same situation. Hell no though, not Chev. In this action packed, adrenaline fuelled testosterone fest anything is possible. Chelios is literally scraped off the ground and thrown into the back of a black van where he is taken to a cliché bunch of token oriental bad guys who take out his heart and replace it with a battery operated one. You would think that such an intensive operation would kill you or at the very least demand bed rest for weeks, but once Chev sees the organ he’s about to lose next he’s up and kicking ass.

When out of his hospital bed Chelios weakens in stamina dramatically and realises that his battery operated heart needs electricity to keep it pumping. Cue many imaginative ways to get electricity to his heart, including rubbing up against an old lady to gain friction and getting tazored by cops. This constant need to gain energy and the hunt for heart stealing villain Johnny Vang gives the film a shoot-em-up computer game quality.

At this point I will take a moment to explain that throughout the film there is a blatant and indulgent obsession with la derriere. Chelios has his, ahem, temperature taken in the hospital, there is the shot gun scene where petrol oil is used as lube and (lest we forget) there is of course the constant close ups of women’s buttocks in tight panties whether in public, a brothel or a lap dancing bar. The latter being the place Amy Smart, Chelios’ girlfriend from Crank 1, makes her return.

Once Chelios knows it is Johnny Vang who has his heart there is a race against time to get it back before the battery pack runs out. But what Chelios doesn’t realise is that Johnny Vang isn’t alone in wanting a piece of “the famous Chelios heart” action, and that the Triads are also against him. No one really understands why. It merely gives the directors an excuse to include more gun fights and sadistic scenes that involve nipples and elbows being chopped off with machetes. The first fight with the Triad’s is in the lap dancing bar, for the young male watchers delectation, and involves lots of gorgeous topless girls with guns getting shot; one girl amusingly gets hit in her silicone breasts which bleed gunk and shrivel. It is at this point, if the penny had not dropped sooner, that you realise just what sort of film you are letting yourself in for.

Chelios is reunited with Smart and the two get accosted by police officers. During the confrontation they make the fatal mistake of tazoring him and turning him into Pop-Eye. With the cops beaten into submission, Chelios steals a car and hunts down Johnny Vang in a horse racing stadium.  His heart is dying so a doctor advises gaining energy from the friction of others. This gives the directors a chance to throw back to the first film as Chelios has an over the top comedic sex marathon in public with his girlfriend once again. 

Any normal man would want to sleep after coitus, but not the extremely masculine and testosterone fuelled Chelios. His shag session gives him the energy to chase after Vang and the two have a Godzilla style battle to the death that involves them being portrayed as puppets while wearing masks (don’t ask, it has to be seen to be believed). The film ends with Chelios on fire giving the finger. It is a perfect way to finish a brainless, adrenaline fuelled, non-stop action film that is bound to have a cult following.  Also if the credits are watched Chelios is seen recuperating while covered in bandages. Crank 3 on its way perhaps? Seventeen year old boys can only hope.

Darkly Repeating Dexter

It would appear that the writers of Dexter are following the old adage of "If it ain't broke don't fix it." and for now that rule of thumb appears to be working for them, but for how much longer?

Series five of Dexter began where the last series ended: with Rita in the bath tub, the last murder victim of the serial killer Trinity. Dexter remains numb and impassive, in the shock stage of grief, as those around him worry for his sanity. That is everyone except Quinn who becomes the new token "suspicious of Dexter" guy (remember Doakes?) and hires shamed, sleazy cop Liddy to find out all he can about our favorite serial killer. Debs, of course, then gets close to Quinn so she can be let down once again by a guy she felt she could love and trust (remember Rudy?).

The series continues in this overly familiar way, yet still manages to sustain our interest with it's cliffhangers and beautifully textured characters. No character is merely good or bad and every single one of them has weaknesses, faults and endearing qualities to either frustrate or make us realise we do like them after all. Take Laguerta as an example. She cares more for what the press thinks of her than her the police force she is in charge of; leaving even Batista, her own husband, taking second place to her pride. She uses Deb as a scapegoat for her own mistakes in the Fuentes shoot out and refuses to open a closed case because it will look bad to her detective skills. But still, she manages to save herself from our hatred by re-opening the case, taking Debs off her punishment of filing duty and also gets the clause to prevent Jordan Chase (the new token bad guy played by Johnny Lee Miller) from leaving the country.

The past four series gave us The Ice Truck Killer, The Bay Harbour Butcher, Miguel and Trinity. There has always been a serial killer for Dexter to either hunt down or get close to emotionally and this series is no exception. There is one slight difference though, this time it is four men who rape and murder women under the watchful eye of motivational speaker Jordan Chase. The men are all best friends from school and have killed twelve women over a period of fifteen years. It would be thirteen but Dexter notices blood in a lorry he wants to use for moving house and the blood leads him to Boyd Fowler. Dexter finds the bodies and the locks of hair that Boyd kept as trophies which is enough proof for him to kill Boyd as a hidden Lumen Pierce (played by the brilliant Julia Stiles) watches.

When Dexter finds Lumen he must battle with Harry's code and his own small amount of humility. Can he really keep someone alive who has seen exactly who he is? Deep down, Dexter is just as shattered by his traumatic experience with Trinity as Lumen is with Chase and his closest friends and the two become close over their losses. For a serial killer with little need for emotional connections Dexter doesn't do too badly on the romantic front. There was of course Rita the fragile and damaged wife, Lila the arsonist artist and now Lumen the gang rape survivor. He also had a close friendship with Miguel, the lawyer cum serial killer who didn't know when to stop. It is a great way of humanising Dexter by giving him a companion, but at the same time makes us question how many times can he keep showing this part of himself to people before his luck runs out?

Lumen and Dexter become the new serial killing duo on the streets of Miami and successfully take down all of  Jordan Chase's men, remaining a mere few steps ahead of the police force Dexter works for the whole time. But there is a problem, someone has bugged Dexter's apartment using the incredibly scrumptious baby Harrison's walkie talkie, and has seen the two planning their kills. The observer in question is Stan Liddy: a sleazy, disgraced ex cop with a grudge against Laguerta and a desire to get back on the police force. Quinn (played by a worryingly thin Desmond Harrington) paid Liddy to look into Dexter, but as he got closer to Deb he lost interest in the case. Liddy didn't, knowing he was on to something big. It takes a battle to the death for Dexter to save him and Lumen from the electric chair, but Quinn has been told to come to Liddy's van and gets blood on his shoes. Will Dexter save Quinn or let him go down for a murder he didn't commit?

The series continues with Dexter and Lumen and also the Miami police department battering down the wall that surrounds world famous Jordan Chase: a control freak who doesn't like his cage to be rattled. Knowing his time is running out, Chase plans a European tour in an attempt to flee the country. Debs has a clause preventing him from leaving but Chase hasn't shown up at the airport, he's been too busy kidnapping Lumen. Dexter is again in trouble as he crashes his car at the hideout where Chase and his men's obsession with rape and murder began. Could it be the end for him and Lumen? Of course not! The two kill him, not realising Deb is on the way to the camp site. She finds the body of Jordan Chase and notices the silhouettes of Lumen and Dexter behind a wall of sheets. She can not tell who they are, but has been deeply affected by the DVDs of the rapes the men kept and allows the two to escape.

With the body parts of Jordan Chase thrown into the sea Lumen can finally be released from her demons. Sadly this also means the end of her relationship with Dexter (talk about use and abuse!) who she feels she can not be with any more because he is still carrying his dark passenger. The series was a slow starter, but quickly grew more exciting and kept it's audience on edge throughout. There is definite need for a few kinks in the plot next time though to prevent the series from getting as stagnant as one of of Dexter's bags in the bottom of the ocean.

The Walking Dead Pilot Episode

The comic book turned mini series The Walking Dead begins in the future with a lone police car driving down a deserted road towards some over turned, burnt out, badly smashed up cars. A handsome police officer (our very own Andrew Lincoln) exits his "veeheecle" with a petrol pot and a look of wearyness on his face. He knows all he has to do is get some petrol. He also knows nothing is that simple now that the 'walkers' are here. Upon noticing the back of a small girl as she picks up her toy rabbit he calls for her attention. She turns, mouth ripped open, teeth bared, eyes glazed over. With a shot square in the forehead she goes down.

And so begins new American series The Walking Dead: the first brave attempt at taking zombies from the big screen to small. I for one am excited by this. You girls can keep your pale and mysterious Edward, with his James Dean hair and shamelessly British lilly-white, bony torso. Hell, you can even keep your unbelievably tiny nosed Jacob (I actually had to check Taylor Lautner's IMDb to find out that werewolf's name, that is how little I care for the Twilight franchise) with his obsessive compulsive t shirt removing and emo-tastic witterings of self pity... because I am a zombie girl.

The first episode gives little explanation to just how the 'walkers' took over, instead we see everything through the eyes of police officer Rick Grimes, the man who shot the girl in the opening sequence. We are back to present day and he and his partner are talking women in the jokey, semi-serious way that men do. Suddenly a car is speeding, flips and a shoot out begins.  Rick is shot and ends up in hospital where he slips into a coma. When he awakes he is hungry, in pain and confused when the nurses don't come to his aid. This is because the hospital is now deserted, with violent hints as to how this has happened: blood is on the floor, beds are strewn down corridors and most importantly a surgery room has been padlocked and barricaded; a warning written on the wall telling any survivors not to open the doors.

So far so very 28 Days Later. Grimes appears to be the only survivor, surrounded by impressive props such as helicopters, tanks, army jeeps and lines of dead bodies wrapped in body bags. He races to his home shouting for Lori and Carl, his wife and son. As he lies on the floor sobbing about the loss of his family you can't help but think "For God's sake. Get up, get changed, get a gun and start thinking like a cop." Instead, he sits on the steps outside his house and waves at a zombie. Maybe the hunger made him long sighted / stupid but it takes broken family Morgan and Duane Jones to save him and take him into their new home.

Once they realise Grimes isn't infected and that his bandage is from a shot and not a bite they invite him to dinner and to stay with them. Grimes is incredibly obtuse, he has already seen 'walkers' in the hospital yet accuses Morgan of killing a man earlier in the day. "That ain't no man." says Duane, who is immediately told to correct his lazy speaking by his father. It may be the end of the world, but that's no reason not to speak proper. As Morgan explains the walkers and the process of becoming a walker to Grimes it is frustrating that Grimes, as a cop, doesn't ask more questions. I guess this is because the writers want us to remain inquisitive about a genre we are already familiar with and keep us on our toes. Duane is looking through a crack in the curtains, only to see his mother outside with the walkers. As he runs from the window, sobbing into a pillow Morgan tells the story of the death of his wife.

The next day a still weak Grimes kills his first walker with a bat as the trio go to his old home. He tells Morgan that his son and wife are still alive, out there somewhere, hopefully at the refugee camp for survivors. The trio go to the police station to get gun supplies before going their separate ways; Morgan and Duane back to the house to practice shooting and Grimes in his police car to find his wife and son.

The talking between the actors at times feels hackneyed and stilted, but it is important to remember that most pilots are weak compared to the rest of a series. Once the characters are more settled in the world created for them the conversations should flow easier. In a new home Morgan practices shooting as Duane stays downstairs reading his comics. Morgan shoots at the walkers, drawing attention to himself in the hope that his wife will appear once again so he can put her out of her misery. She does, and his shaking hands and the pain etched over his face makes us question whether we could do the same. He bottles it and his wife staggers slowly away.

In a small campsite Grimes' voice can be heard over the radio. A small group of survivors are there including Lori (Prison Break's Sarah Wayne Callies), Carl and Grimes' old partner: officer Shane Walsh. The radio connection is weak and Lori wants to warn the person out there of the dangers of the city. Walsh disagrees and Lori goes to her tent to sulk. Walsh follows and the two discuss the issue before kissing passionately. Those dirty dogs!

Good old reliable and faithful Rick Grimes, meanwhile, has ran out of petrol and arrives at an old house in the sticks. The couple who resided there have shot themselves in the head and have left a note to God on their wall asking for forgiveness. The use of effects in the pilot episode so far have been excellent in their gruesomeness. Despondent and alone, Rick sits on the couple's steps and tries to think of what to do next. It is then that he notices the horse in their field.

It is while Grimes is trotting to town on the horse that the iconic moment that made the cover and posters of The Walking Dead is seen. Even Alicia, who is completely indifferent to the zombie genre looked up from her book to the TV and said "Wow." Grimes is on a motorway, in his uniform, riding on a horse; a quintessential hero if ever there was one. Not only that but he is completely alone, with the city's tall buildings ahead of him and a pile up of cars that are now abandoned on the other carriageway. This scene tells us that people had tried to escape in droves and had mainly perished. It also tells us that a man proud enough to wear his uniform and stetson hat when all around him is chaos is a man to trust in an apocalyptic situation such as this. While others ran away from danger, Rick Grimes is going straight towards it; come Hell or high water, he will get back to his wife and son.

In the city Grimes passes a bus and the two walkers on it wake up. I never knew that zombies slept, but in The Walking Dead they do. The two walkers slowly follow and the horse gets nervy. Grimes calms the horse with the famous last words of: "It's only a few. We can handle them." Looking up he sees a helicopter, the first good sign that the refugee camp exists. Grimes tries to follow the helicopter, but turns a corner to find a street full to the brim of walkers. He turns and tries to escape but there are too many and the horse is taken down. Entrails, organs, blood and gore are everywhere but not a single zombie mouth looks bloody. Tsk, tsk. Grimes manages to crawl inside a tank from underneath and takes a breather... not realising an army walker is waking up next to him. A quick snarl in Grimes face and the walker gets a hole in his head and Grimes ends up deafened by the reverberation from the shot. Once his hearing returns he realises a wise cracking city kid has seen what happened to him on the streets and is talking to him on a radio. The episode ends with the walkers devouring the horse and clawing at the entrance of the tank.

I am pleased that The Walking Dead hasn't shied away from blood and gore. It would be disapointing if a TV series about zombies was devoid of these things just to please the censors. I am also impressed by the excellent use of location and the detail in props: cars are burnt out, turned over or abandoned; helicopters and army tanks are strewn around outside hospitals and in the city. We also get to see the comparison between Grimes' once safe and now almost empty hick suburb and the more populated city with it's tall buildings, compressed streets and countless walkers.  The characters are still a little one dimensional, including Grimes, our cuckolded hero with a mission to save his wife and son who may not want to be saved... but with so much chaos and separation of characters perhaps their stilted conversations are more to do with the confusion, loss and fear they are feeling. I am not worried by these slight niggles though, on IMDb the series got 9.1 out 10 so there will be obvious improvement as the series goes on and as far as pilot episodes go this left me hungry for more (ho ho ho).

Lip Service Series Two

God bless BBC3 and their right honourable thumbs up to the next series of Lip Service. The Glaswegian guilty pleasure is in production and I thought long and hard to myself "Just what could happen in series two?" and came up with these relatively facetious but highly likely possibilities:

1.) Frankie (played by the sultry eyed Ruta Gedmintas) and Cat will continue to have awkward sex lacking realistic passion but will claim to be madly in love with one another. They will also both continue sleeping with other people (Cat with Sam, Frankie with anything that moves... or doesn't move if it is a particularly attractive looking object).

2.) Tess will get newly published writer Ed to create a lesbian theatre show based on the lives of her and her friends in a blatant rip off / homage to Jenny Shecter's book cum movie Lez Girls. The two will have a massively successful opening night and will go home to get drunk and have sex, leaving Ed heart broken once again and Tess confused.

3.) Sam will cheat on Cat with Frankie after Frankie is arrested and taken into a cell. Sam will act disgusted by Frankie's rebellious, devil-may-care attitude but deep down she is a lesbian and no lesbian can say no to those big green eyes and floppy hair. Frankie will do it to spite Cat because she can't choose between the two. Drama!

4.) Sam will fall hard off her high horse and will crumble with the guilt. Perhaps an STD doing the rounds could cause a climactic moment between Cat and Sam where the two admit their guilt to each other at the same time?

Cat: I have something to tell you.

Sam: I've got something to tell you too.

Cat and Sam: I slept with Frankie. What?! You slept with Frankie!?

5.) Tess will go on Lou's morning show as a guest and the two will still have chemistry. Lou will ask Tess out on a date but will Tess be faithful to Fin? Probably not. More sex, more guilt, more drama.

6.) Frankie will continue to be an emotional whirlwind, one minute laughing and joking, the next taking offence at throwaway comments and acting like a five year old by stropping off in a mood. Her mates will continue to ignore or shrug off this behaviour rather than simply tell her not to be such a dick.

7.) Jay will be single for a while but young girls in bars will make him feel old and he will go back to that terrible actress that played his fiance in series one.

8.) The recession will hit Glasgow, leaving Tess and Frankie squatting in empty homes for weeks at a time with the unstable Sadie.

9.) Frankie will meet her Mother, but will recognise her from the Glasgay scene and will remember that they shared a drunken night of passion two years ago.

The series will end with some sort of cliffhanger. Frankie will probably run away again but while driving to the airport will end up crashing into Sam's speeding police car. Cat will be torn between whose bed to sit by. Whatever happens in the next series I know I will be watching and occasionally shouting at the television "Ha! I told you so!"

The Town Review

Ben Affleck's had a quiet few years after a couple of poor film choices (remember Gigli?) but now he is back and ready to prove his acting and directing muscle in the enjoyable heist movie The Town.

The film opens with some information about the notorious town the film is set in. Charlestown is an Irish-American blue collar neighbourhood in Brooklyn with the highest rate of bank robberies in the USA. Affleck plays Doug Macray whose Father was sent to jail for robbery and whose Mother ran away when he was six. Pain seems to rip throughout Charlestown's districts, with every family having a sob story or a reason to turn to crime. When Macray's mother left and his father was jailed he went to live with his best friend, obligatory psycho Jim, and became a part of his family. It was no happy ending for Macray there though. Jim was jailed for nine years for murder, his fragile, single mother drug addict sister Krista starts a casual relationship with Doug and their mother dies from HIV.

Once Jim gets out of the clink he and Doug set up a super group of specialists for bank robberies, with Doug as kingpin. This is where the film starts, right in the action as the group (dressed up as the grim reaper) rob a bank.It quickly becomes clear that Affleck is playing the cliche good guy making the best of a bad upbringing in a town with few options and Jeremy Remmer is the quintessential short fused nut case with a casket that has his name on. The gang are clever, well researched and take their time with robberies... but this time something goes wrong and they take a hostage, terrified bank manager Claire Keesy, with them.

They release Claire unharmed but Jim realises she lives only four blocks away from them and wants to frighten her into silence, but Doug knows of Jim's viciousness and follows Claire to the launderette where they begin talking. A realistic slow burning yet doomed relationship begins between the two as they have dates and open up to one another. Doug believes he can escape with Claire and start a new life in Florida but this is not the case. Jim shows that Irish American loyalties run deep and his fury and hurt tells us that residents never leave Charlestown, choosing to tough it out and stick by their families. Not only does Doug have the anger of Jim to deal with, he soon realises florist / vicious manipulator / drug dealer and heist planner Fergus "Fergie" Colm (played by the great Pete Postlethwaite) has no intention of letting him go either.

The Town is fast paced and never gets lazy. When there isn't a bank robbery and getaway to enjoy there is the fast talking Boston chat between characters and the petty violence that they believe is their only way of getting through to people. The costumes for the bank robberies add an extra edge to the film, in particular the nun costumes which are both humorous and scary. The cat and mouse game between Macray's gang and FBI agent Frawley keeps the film taut as Doug keeps only a few steps ahead to keep himself out of jail.

Frawley and Claire prevent us from feeling too sympathetic towards the criminals. Frawley sees them as dangerous scum who need to be locked up and Claire remains traumatised and shaky from what happened to her throughout the film. Angered by the gangs arrogance, Frawley gets personal and shows Claire a photo of the man he believes to be in charge of the robberies. Devastated at seeing her boyfriend's face Claire wants nothing more to do with Doug, but he is determined to leave with her and start a-fresh with her... after one final robbery.

Dressed as cops Jim and Doug get into the super bowl and leave with three million dollars, but the police and FBI are outside waiting for them. Little did Doug realise just how personal Frawley would get, going after Krista and playing on her fragility until she was backed into a corner and had to tell him what she knew. A big shoot out scene between cops and robbers follows as Jim and Doug escape in their police officer costumes. Frawley notices Jim's large bag and there is the inevitable shoot out between hot headed Jim and the cops that doesn't end well.

Knowing that the robbery is "a massive fuck up" and also knowing what Fergie did to his mother, Doug takes revenge on the vicious bully that had been controlling his life. The net gets tighter and Doug escapes alone but leaves a gift of money, an orange and a schmaltzy note to Claire. The film ends with Claire reading the note and hearing Doug's voice explaining one day they will see each other again "in this life or the next."

The Town gives us nothing new in this genre but familiarity is no bad thing if a film is as well directed and acted as this. It is a punchy, tight and engaging action movie that allows us not to have to think too much but to just sit back and enjoy.

Buried Film Review

Paul Conroy truly is a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. While working as an American truck driver in Iraq he and his team are ambushed by a group of Iraqis and he wakes to find himself buried alive in a box underground. What follows is a tense, fast paced and compelling film that leaves you breathless.

The film itself is an excellent example of how technical, actor and setting limitations can still create something thrilling. Rather than shy away from the premise of a man stuck in a box, Cortes chooses to use the minimalist idea much to his advantage. The camera never leaves Conroy which allows a stronger emotional connection between audience and character; we know only what he knows. Buried starts with strangulated, panicked breathing as Conroy comes round from the blow to his head. The audience sees only blackness which makes Conroy's fear seem all the more real. After around five minutes of darkness he finds a lighter and looks around his prison. I personally felt that for a coffin he got a relatively good deal. It was wider and longer than the average coffin and gave him some space to move around. That's not to say he should count his blessings; he is running out of oxygen and needs help fast.

Luckily the Iraqis threw him into the box with his mobile phone, but they have taken his emergency number if a problem such as this should arise. Conroy can't remember the number so calls 911. Bewildered by a call from someone asking for help from a box in the desert in Iraq the woman on the line is in way over her head. Conroy hangs up in frustration and what follows is a line of phone calls to people he believes should be able to help him. The phone calls are almost hallucinogenic in the sense that after you have watched Buried you can hardly believed that the whole film was set in his coffin. Conroy's vividly vindictive yet desperate conversation with his stepmother stands out in particular. He needs her to get the FBI's number for him but she is indifferent and would prefer to go to the shops and get on with her day. This escalates into a venomous slanging match and Conroy slamming the phone down enraged. We realise he is not just a one dimensional set piece in a box but a man with faults who has somehow wronged his wife and angered her mother. Conroy calls his stepmother back, politely asks for the number gets it and ends the call with a nasty "Fuck you."

It is when terrorist leader Jabir phones Conroy that we realise the reason for the phone in the coffin: he wants five million dollars for Conroy's life. In desperation the calls he makes get through to people higher and higher in government and it soon becomes clear that no one is willing to come forward to help him: "It is the policy of the American government NOT to negotiate with terrorists." a US official tells him. As the chances of getting out alive become bleaker it makes you question your own chances of survival in these situations and how much a life really is worth. 

Hostage expert Dan Brenner comes on the scene to give the limited help he can. Conroy is angered at the lack of help and accuses Brenner of "babysitting" him until the oxygen runs out. His lack of trust is understandable. For all the power America seemingly has little seems to be done to help their citizens in Iraq when they are in need. Desperate for some hope Conroy questions Brenner about other hostages and asks for a name of someone who was saved. Brenner gives Conroy the name "Mark White" who he claims is back home and safe.

Jabir rings again, demanding a video of Conroy in the coffin. Brenner warns Conroy not to do so. Is this to save poor news stories and weakened morale over the Iraq war in America or to somehow save Conroy's life? Conroy is told to do the film or Pamela Lutti, the woman he has started a relationship with over in Iraq, will die. At the bottom of the coffin he finds a note to read out, a torch and two glow sticks.  Within a few hours his ransom video has 47,000 hits on YouTube but it is not enough to please Jabir and his terrorist group who shoot Pamela in the head.

Time is quickly running out for Conroy whose breathing is becoming shallow. He sleeps to prevent another panic attack and awakes to find a snake crawling down underneath his trousers.

"Maybe he's just pleased to see us?" Alicia wittily said.

"Don't know why Scarlett broke up with him!" was my reply.

In all serious though, it was a rattlesnake that had crawled through a hole in the wood, down his pants and through the bottom of his trousers to the corner of the coffin. Terrified, with options of be killed by a rattlesnake or be killed by starting a fire with his small amount of alcohol and a lighter in an enclosed area, Conroy chooses to set fire to the snake. The snake escapes through the hole and Conroy fills it with jumper, which is a bit stupid because he has just started a fire and will have drastically lost a lot of oxygen in his coffin. The snake and the signal on his phone should also have been a sign that he wasn't buried too far down. Could he have fought his way out?

With the snake gone Conroy tries to relax once again, but sadly for him Iraq is not the best place to buried underground. As bombs go off above him the top of the box falls through and sand begins to fill the coffin. Knowing time really is coming to an end for him Conroy frantically rings Brenner who has good news. He has a lead who is taking him to Conroy right now. "Hang on three more minutes for us Paul. We are almost there." As Conroy's body gets closer and closer to the top of the box will Brenner make it in time? I won't ruin it for you but the endings suspense is almost unbearable.

This is a film that has had some complaints, such as: "Why didn't he kick and punch his way out like The Bride on Kill Bill?! I would well do that LOL." I too questioned this but have come to the conclusion that sand would be more difficult to fight your way out of than mud. Not only that but The Bride was a ferocious assassin with blood lust and sick determination; Paul Conroy is a contractor from American just trying to make some money and help some Iraqis. There has also been the question of "Ryan Reynolds? You mean Mr. Van Wilder? How is he right for a serious role such as this?" I guess there is no right answer to that and it depends on how much of an open mind you are going to have to a typecast actor. I like Ryan a lot. Not only is he handsome and charming, he has proven (to me at least) he can do subtle and serious and is worth a lot more than dead pan humoured frat boy movies. Other people have complained that the film is boring, but I imagine these are people who ate too many blue smarties when they were little and have the attention span of a gnat with ADHD. Buried is a great original, minimalist thriller that should be watched and appreciated for what it is.